


Flat tire / Handyman Holtz

by crotch_centric



Category: Ghostbusters (2016), holtzbert
Genre: Angst, Chinchillas, F/F, Fluff, Ghostbusters AU, Holtzbert - Freeform, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Some angst, ghostbusters - Freeform, handy man - Freeform, handyman, holtz - Freeform, holtzbert falling in love, holtzmann - Freeform, i'm up for tenure, mechanic, professor erin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2018-10-26 17:23:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10791237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crotch_centric/pseuds/crotch_centric
Summary: Erin gets a flat tire on the way to a work event. Holtz, seeing a woman in need, stops to help.





	1. The Mechanic

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, this is my first attempt at writing fan fic- really, it's my first attempt at writing fiction. I usually stick to research papers and things like that. Although, I had a fun time writing this procrastinating for exams. Woo hoo!
> 
> Here's my tumblr: https://crotch-centric-over-here.tumblr.com/ I would absolutely love to hear from you. Give me brutally honest feedback. I'd appreciate it!!

“Hey Holtz, what’s up? Oh! I love that song!” Holtz had a tendency to sing along to the instrumental breaks to songs on the radio. She just so happened to be in the middle of one when Abby answered, and because Abby is a music goddess she can identify any song from the 80s after hearing only three beats.

 

“Hi Abby! I’m going to be a little late. Something came up- I’m _sorryyyyy,_ ” Holtz responded, dragging out her apology because she hated the idea of her friends waiting around for her.

 

“No need to apologize. I just got here and I don’t see Dr. Gorin yet either. Just get here when you can, but no rush.” Holtz could hear her friend’s smile through the phone, knowing that it really was no big deal.

 

Abby always showed up early to settle in and find a table before her friends arrived- not as an anxiety thing- just as a way to stay prepared and make sure everything was running as smooth as possible. She never really thought about why she had this habit, but her chronic earliness was her subconscious’ way of being considerate for other people’s time. Dr. Gorin always arrived exactly punctual for every meeting time for as long as they had known her (but realistically, probably her entire lifetime as well). Abby and Holtz used to watch Holtz’s watch and count down the seconds whenever they planned to meet Dr. Gorin out of pure amusement at her excessively precise arrivals.

 

Holtzmann knew Abby and Dr. Gorin wouldn’t really mind that she was late. The two of them weren’t as close to each other as they both were to her, but they had definitely grown comfortable with each other since being introduced by Holtz when she got the job with Abby. They could carry on conversations about their work, the latest findings in research and science, and the endless unpredictable stories about their mutual friend. They never talked about their non-professional lives even though Abby likes to dig a little deeper and get to know that side of people. But she doesn’t take it personally because she knows Dr. Gorin prefers to keep a professional relationship with people that aren’t in her immediate circle. Still, Holtz felt bad that she was making them wait for her, but she could not withstand helping a vulnerable (and cute, from what she could tell) woman who was in need.

 

* * *

 

She pulled the steering wheel towards the shoulder of the road with the one finger that was hooked around the bottom of it. She pulled her other hand in from the window, reaching it through the top opening of the steering wheel to turn on her hazards. As her Cadillac rolled to a stop in front of this Prius on the side of the road, she saw the owner of the car standing on the other side of the car away from the road on the phone. She was pacing on the gravel, wearing a suit jacket with a matching skirt, a ruffled undershirt with the tiniest bowtie Holtz had ever seen, and pointed stilettos. Her face looked hot for a surprisingly nice day, which was probably the result of pacing in the direct sunlight and the stress induced from whatever conversation she was having on the phone. Aside from how physically uncomfortable this woman must have been, Holtz immediately noticed how her aura was also radiating frustration and annoyance.

 

Holtz parked her Cadillac, leaving her windows all the way down and got out of her car, adjusting her fingerless gloves as she approached the other woman’s car. Upon seeing this messily endearing woman, the other woman walked back over to her car. “What do we have here?” Holtz asked as she scanned over the car, rhetorically to herself but loud enough for the redhead to hear. Holtz was never great at introducing herself so she generally just made conversation with herself to initiate any conversation and to make sure the other woman was not too creeped out (she tended to have that effect on strangers).

 

“Well, I’m supposed to be at an important dinner with colleagues right now. But I must have ran over a nail or a broken bottle or something because my tire exploded and jerked my car over. Nobody is answering their goddamn phone and this dinner is with people I need to impress because I’m on track for tenure and I’m just so pissed off. Why do people throw glass bottles out their windows? Some people are just so stupid.” Erin was spitting out these words at Holtz that she has been trying to say to whomever she was calling on the phone, but who clearly had not picked up. Her face was pink, as well as her feet that she had been pacing on for god knows how long. Holtz just nodded along, slightly uncomfortable with how much this stranger was unloading on her, but also empathetic to this woman needing a release. She stood there with one hand on her opposite hip, holding her other elbow while she rested her chin on her fingers, squinting her eyes and staring at the car to avoid acknowledging this woman’s free thoughts. “Hmm, okay, no biggie. It’s an easy fix.”

 

And before Erin could open her mouth to say anything else, Holtz was already rummaging under the many miscellaneous pieces of metal she had pulled out of the dumpster earlier that day in the hatchback of her Cadillac, pulling out a jack. She did not even hesitate to get started pumping up the Prius while continuing to hum the song from the radio quietly to herself. Standing out of the way, Erin observed intently, recognizing the song as one of Abby's favorites, but not saying anything. She had never learned to change a tire, or any general car maintenance for that matter because her dad wasn’t around much and Phil insisted that he would take care of it- dismissing Erin’s willingness to learn for the sake of being self-sufficient. She hated the idea of being ‘taken care of’ by a man. (Actually she hated the idea of being dependent on anyone for anything; the idea of mooching off someone or being a burden is what motivated her work hard in school and her career. Her fear of being too needy led her subconscious to being a perfectionist with details and organization, as well as her tendency to build walls and shut people out.) Plus, she didn’t like the idea of having another reason she should be with Phil. She didn’t want her incompetency in any area, like cars or finances, to be the reason she stayed with her bland, condescending boyfriend.

 

Breaking her out of her spiraling thoughts about her partner, her phone rang. “Phil. I called you 40 minutes ago. My tire popped and I’m stranded. I’m still twenty minutes away from the hall.” Holtz couldn’t make out any of the words from the other end of the phone at this woman’s ear, but she could hear a snarky tone and an elevated voice. “Yeah, I know it’s almost over! I was—Yes. I’m sorr—It’s not my fault. What, you think I _wanted_ a flat—Okay, sure. I’ll try to be more careful. I should have been paying more attention.” It was obvious that the man on the phone kept cutting her off. From what it sounded like, he was also trying to push the blame onto Erin, who obviously was stressed enough already- although seemed ever-so-slightly less tense upon realizing she had missed a good portion of the event. Holtz wanted to say something about how he has no right to talk to her that way, but decided cracking a joke might lighten the mood.

 

“Man, I shared a car with my older brother in high school. Men get so possessive of their cars, I don’t get it. But he also knew I could kick his ass, so he didn’t give me too much shit when I stayed out late with it.” She sort of mumbled to herself as she tightened the bolts securing the new tire, but again, loud enough for her counterpart to hear.

 

“Oh that wasn’t my brother. God I haven’t talked to my brother in years. That was a colleague- well I guess we’ve been seeing each other. So I guess my boyfri- no, my man…friend? We haven’t really had that talk yet.” Erin was squinting out into the distance, looking confused as she tried to figure this out in her head while she rambled on, also to avoid eye contact with her personal, shaggy mechanic because she felt vulnerable in her uncertainty.

 

“Hmm, well you’re all set,” Thankfully she finished swapping out the tires right in time to dismiss the comment and prevent this conversation from going any further. Before Holtz even could finish standing up from kneeling on the ground, Erin had her checkbook and a pen pulled out of her purse. “Thank you so much. You’re a lifesaver. How much can I pay you for helping me? Is $40 enough for… twenty minutes?” She asked after pausing to check her dainty little watch, sounding shocked and impressed that it only took her twenty minutes to jack up a car and swap out the tires.

 

“No, no no. That won’t be necessary. I’m just trying to do my part in society, plus I’m dressed more for the mechanical side of work than it appears you are in your fancy work clothes,” is what she ended up saying as she looked the woman up and down in her business attire. However, what first popped into her head was _‘Are we still talking about the car???’_ with a couple suggestive eyebrow raises. She decided against that though, knowing that hitting on an already frustrated, supposedly straight woman, was not going to benefit her in any way and would probably make the other woman feel uncomfortable (another one of Holtz’ skills/hobbies).

 

“Oh come on. I insist. Plus, if you do this kind of work regularly, then at least let me pay you whatever the rate would be for the service.” To that, Holtz chuckled. To this tidy woman, she probably did look like a mechanic- the protective eyewear, the grease stains on her coveralls, the callused fingers beneath her fingerless leather gloves, the myriad of loose tools in her trunk.

 

“I may be a handyman, but I’m not a mechanic. I’m an engineer, but I have a lot of experience taking things apart and putting them back together. But really, it’s no big deal. I’ve actually got to get going though. I was actually on my way to meet some colleagues of my own.”

 

“Oh! I’m sorry I took so much of your time. You didn’t have to stop. I could have called someone!” Holtz could see the concern and worry return to this frazzled woman’s face.

 

“Really, it’s fine. I consider this kind of stuff therapeutic, so really I should be thanking you for giving me the opportunity to collect myself while I changed your tire. Thank you miss, I hope the rest of your evening is less stressful.” Holtz said as she started to step back, nodding her head and giving the other woman a respectable salute.

 

“Well, I’m not going to take no for an answer. Let me buy you a drink sometime… to thank you.” Holtz could only think of how now her plan to leave her gloves and have a ‘Carol glove lunch’ would no longer be necessary to see this woman again.

 

“Okay, that I won’t oppose,” she replied with a twinkle in her eye. “Wait, do you mean like a coffee drink or like a draaank?” She had to ask she watched the other woman’s reaction.

 

“Oh, well, umm. Either way is fine by me.” Erin said, now seeing the appeal of getting a drink and relaxing with this intriguing, mysterious, yet soft woman, but also not wanting to come on too strong.

 

“Then I’ll let you decide.” Holtz said with a grin and a wink as she wrote down her cell phone number on a napkin from her pocket, after having wiped her the grease from her fingertips on it. It may have come off a little suggestive, but she didn’t want to put pressure on the other woman, so letting her decide put them both at ease. Plus, Holtz didn’t want the responsibility of keeping track of the redhead’s phone number, knowing she would likely lose it. She also had a feeling this woman had stretched this invitation out of obligation and wanted to give her the freedom to null out the offer without possible confrontation had Holtz contacted her.

 

Erin usually was not this forward with anyone. Any time she saw an acquaintance on campus and made a comment about ‘getting lunch sometime’ or ‘getting coffee’ or whatever, she always said it as a way to escape the conversation- never really with full intent of actually getting ahold of that person to actually plan to meet with them again. The only time she really actually spent time with her colleagues was at organized events or if they both just happened to be in the breakroom at the same time. Although she seemed very decisive and demanding about getting her savior’s information, she wasn’t even sure herself if she would end up contacting this woman. But she carefully folded the greasy napkin and tucked it into her purse for in safe-keeping, just in case she found courage to properly thank her.

 


	2. Distracted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch between Holtz, Abby, and Dr. Gorin. Abby notices something different about Holtz's energy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't planning on writing chapter two tonight... then I did. So much for sleep, right?

Abby watched Holtzmann smile and wave as she entered the restaurant with her brightly colored backpack strewn over her shoulder. She noticed a certain type of energy emitting from Holtzmann, something different than the regular “excited to be alive” energy one of her friends had described Holtz as immediately after meeting her. It could wait though; the three of them had work-related topics to discuss, so she would prod her messy-headed friend later.

 

“Hey guys, how’s it goin? It’s a beautiful day outside.” Holtz bounced over as she greeted her closest friend and mentor.

 

“Well aren’t you chipper today?” It came out in a suspicious, yet curious tone. She couldn’t resist, she had to address that she noticed something. “Have a seat, lady. We ordered you a cheese steak with mustard and pickles. Let’s get started on this.” Holtz slid into the booth after Abby moved her hand from patting on the seat with an invitation.

 

It would be a stretch to say the blonde gracefully pulled sketches out of her bag- it was more an overflow of an abundance of wrinkled, stained blueprints being poured onto the table between the three of them. “Oh, Jillian.” Dr. Gorin said as she tried not to let the disorganization overwhelm her. “I suppose me providing folders for you during your entire dissertation was never quite purposeful, now was it?” Holtz having her face down, looking at the papers she was spreading out, looked up at her mentor with a ‘Holtzy sorry’ expression and a cheesy smile on her face while she answered tentatively with, “With all due respect, Becks, folders stunt creativity.” This exchange made Abby try to smother her chuckle with a forced cough followed by a gulp of water to prevent earning a glare from Dr. Gorin. As much as Dr. Gorin hated being addressed with anything but her professional name, she always found Holtz’s nickname for her slightly endearing- though she would never think of admitting it. So she let out a light sigh and turned her attention to try to make sense of the papers that reminded her of her short time as a nanny- laying out newspapers before doing any sort of arts and crafts with children under ten. As much as the mess irritated her, she knew Jillian had never outgrown the excitement to learn and be innovative as she had twenty years prior while constructing lego time machine prototypes and painting them with every color in her crayola paint kit.

 

Holtz went through her ideas for creating a concentrated proton stream, checking in with the other two to make sure the math of the physics matched with her engineering outlines. For the most part, when Holtzmann gets going on her inventions, nothing else in the world exists to her. She forgets to eat, sleep, and sometimes even breathe for a few seconds before she is shaken back to reality by her body trying to maintain homeostasis, and life for that matter. However, as Abby had mentally noted before, Holtz was on a slightly different wavelength today. She seemed more vibrant and a little distracted, honestly. Holtz had her phone out on the table, face up and kept glancing over at it whenever Dr. Gorin added her input, but only when she had her eyes down where she was pointing and wouldn’t notice. It wasn’t unusual for Holtz to leave her phone in the car during their meetings, let alone having it out on the table. The frequency of her glances tended to slow down the longer they were there, along with her being overly chipper.

 

“Well done, Jillian. I look forward to seeing what you do next with this. But please, for the love of god,  _ please  _ be careful. I’m sure Abby would not be thrilled about being forced to call your family because you have been compromised. If Higgins is funding this, you will most likely need to present this to colleagues. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to include safety warnings and lights before other people handle your equipment.” Dr. Gorin knew Holtz was a brilliant engineer, having graduated with her PhD at 23 (Although this was partly in fear from the department. They figured putting Holtz in highly intensity courses would provide her with less free-time to blow things up in the lab.), but also knew how reckless she could be so thought offering stern, cautionary advice would be necessary.

 

“Pshhh. Safety lights are for dudes.” Holtz returned back with an eye roll, always giving Dr. Gorin sarcastic responses to her concern even while taking what she said to heart.

 

“I’m serious.” Was all Dr. Gorin had to say back.

 

“I knoooow. Thanks, Becks.” Holtz said as she stood up to meet Dr. Gorin in a brief, yet affectionate embrace before her mentor left the two of them alone. “I’ll see you next week, yes?”

 

“Yes. Next week, same time. I’ll meet you in your office- well, lab- so we can see how the construction is coming along.” Abby and Holtz had never been given a real lab, as Higgins was awfully frugal with their department, so instead of risking getting even more funding cut, they decided to improvise their shared office space into a lab… as well as taking over part of the abandoned dressing room for the theatre (the performing arts department had moved to another building only a couple months after Holtz joined Abby in her work) that just so happened to be conveniently connected by a thin wall. A couple of small to medium poofs took it right down and they claimed the territory before anybody in charge really knew what was going on. Really, it’s a surprise Holtz hasn’t been in more trouble with how often she resorts to this tactic. However, Abby had been in on it too, by spilling her soup in the kitchen when everyone was in there to make a scene and require help prevented anyone from focusing their attention on the poofs down the hall.

 

As much as Abby enjoyed expanding her perspectives with Dr. Gorin’s insights, she could not wait for her to leave so she could interrogate her colleague. “So Holtz, are you pregnant or what is this new glow?” She asked with her eyebrows raised, having to make a joke about Holtz being pregnant because the last penis that Holtz had seen was when she had to move a painting of a nude art model that was left behind in their acclaimed lab space. And when she did see it and had to carry it away, she held it somewhere between Rafiki holding Simba out on Pride Rock and pulling hair out of a shower drain to throw it away, trying not to gag.

 

“Oh, Miss Yates, you are well aware that the only penis I want to get fucked with is one made of silicone attached to a pretty lady.” Of course, she batted this witty comment back with a wink and a smirk.

 

“Hahah, yes Holtz, I know. So what happened earlier? What came up?”

 

She stopped fumbling with her papers and unhooked her glasses from one ear, letting them dangle at the side of her face, when she sighed deeply picturing the redhead in distress and responding with, “Welllll... let’s wait to talk about this one. It’s honestly nothing but the waiting game right now.” And with a pat on the shoulder, a warm smile, and a farewell goodnight, Abby left Holtz to finish packing her notes and her thoughts, knowing that she probably needed time to sort through whatever was going on in her head- protons and whatever else- before she was ready to talk about it tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey babes, I’m home. I’ve got something special for you.” Holtz lived alone in a small but functional studio apartment not too far from the soup place Abby loved regardless of the terrible service. Although Holtz wasn’t fond of having roommates (she was tired of disappointing roommates by avoiding doing dishes for months at a time), she kept good company with her litter of chinchillas. She had made friends with the manager at a pet shop a while back and would stop by regularly on lunch breaks or walks home. She had been going frequently to see the progress of the pregnant chinchilla in the window. Shortly after the litter of four was born, the mother died. Holtz, having handled an assortment of baby animals in her day (homeschooler’s coping 101), decided she was up for the challenge of nursing them to adulthood. Working against the odds, she succeeded. Initially the plan was to return them after they were at an age where they could be adopted out, but the idea of separating them broke her heart enough to convince her to keep them. So she decided that unless someone was willing to adopt all four of them from her, she wasn’t going to give them up. Plus, she liked having them around- it gave her something to take care of.

 

“Look what I picked up today!” She said to them as she got out some chinchilla dust for them and gently put it in their cage while giving each of them a small pat on the head with their own greeting (chinchillas can get infections if their fur gets wet, so they bathe with dust, weird, I know). “Oh, don’t you worry children. There’s more!” And with that she walked the eight steps to her kitchen and pulled a ripe mango out of the bag. She pulled her Swiss Army Knife from her pocket as she reapproached the kits. She laid down on her carpet before pulling them out one by one and placing them on top of her. After slicing the mango and sharing little bites with the four little fluffs, she wiped the mango juices off her knife and hands onto her overalls before pulling her phone out of her pocket so she could slip out of her overalls and not worry about putting her phone through the wash… again (to be honest though, the ‘worry’ of washing her phone just gave her another excuse to not do laundry).

 

Her face lit up about as bright as her phone in the dark room when she saw the following notifications:

 

**327 - 065 - 2778** 38 minutes ago

Erin. My name is Erin. Sorry for all the messages

 

**327 - 065 - 2778** 40 minutes ago

Well, I don’t have a flat tire. I don’t have tires at all. I’m the lady with the car that had the flat tire. Before you fixed it

 

**327 - 065 - 2778** 41 minutes ago

Oh, I’m the lady with the flat tire

 

**327 - 065 - 2778** 46 minutes ago

Hey, what’s your availability this week? So I can properly thank you. With that drink that I promised you

 


	3. Unexpected Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God I hate Phil. But, this chapter was necessary.
> 
> “'Really, Erin? Why do you watch this garbage?' Phil said, almost as if he was going to start lecturing her on the merits of the scientific method, even though Erin had way more experience in the scholarly field and with publications than him."

*knock knock knock*

 

The knocking on her door sounded urgent. Maybe it was a busy night, plus the elevator was temporarily out of commission and carrying a hot pizza up five flights of stairs in mid August does not sound pleasant. Erin replaced her legs with her laptop, open with various tabs ranging from theories on biocentrism (theories of consciousness, founded by Robert Lanza) to interviews with Ellen Page to a video called “True Facts about Marsupials” (look this up too). She knew she should be working on her next publication, but justified her procrastination because she was still learning and being somewhat productive. Plus, she had already had a stressful day, so changing into baggy clothes and relaxing- upon the blonde stranger’s request- was what she wound up doing.

 

*knock knock*

 

“Just a sec!” She hollered at the door as she paused her documentary on the Loch Ness monster which was running in the background. She ended up putting it on because she was looking up the Gilbert heritage and ended up down the rabbit hole about Scottish traditions and interesting tidbits about Scotland. Plus, with her experience with the paranormal as a child, she couldn’t help but have a fascination with other highly controversial “mythological” creatures.

 

She was pulling cash out of her wallet from her purse when she opened the door. “Thank you so much for going up all those stairs- you could have called, I would have met you out fro-- Phil.” She glanced up to see a pizza-less man instantly making her feel like a deflated balloon; the sound of despair in her voice was partially because she was hungry and was expecting her veggie deluxe with extra sauce, but mostly because she did not enjoy surprise visits from Phil. “What are you doing here?” Her greeting was as stagnant as the expression on her face.

 

“Don’t sound so excited to see me.” Phil tried to joke as he walked through the doorway, walking past Erin, uninvited into her home. To this, Erin took a deep breath out of defeat and shut the door behind him and going to pour a full glass of Zinfandel. (Erin was experienced with pairing foods with her wines. Don’t argue with her on this.) She knew he was going to overstay his welcome- if you could even call it that, considering he was never really invited- and she was going to need this to drown out his opinionated, closed-minded, dull conversation. “Ooohh, busting out the booze already, are we?” Phil’s tone was that of  _ ‘I’m gettin’ some tonight!’  _ Although he didn’t see Erin’s look of apathy past his phone screen, where he was swiping through pictures of him at the event tonight with the guest speaker. Phil never seemed to care about what Erin was doing or what was going on in her life. She was just an asset to his ego more than anything.

 

“Well, I have had a long day with car troubles. Plus, I was just getting relaxed.” She replied dryly as she was trying to come up with a reason for him to leave.

 

“Oh that’s no problem, we can just netflix and chill. What do you have on?” Erin knew that whenever Phil mentioned netflix it was never actually cuddling and watching a movie. It was always the beginning of the fourth scene when he tried to take her shirt off. She usually just tolerated it because that’s a fair expectation for a woman to let a man touch her boobs when they’re in a relationship, right? But tonight she was just not feeling it; she just wanted him to leave so she could spend time doing things that she enjoyed. “Really, Erin? Why do you watch this garbage?” Phil said, almost as if he was going to start lecturing her on the merits of the scientific method, even though Erin had way more experience in the scholarly field and with publications than him.

 

“I just think it’s interesting. I never said I believe--” Her defense was interrupted by a knock at the door.

 

“Are you expecting someone?” Phil accused, gesturing towards the door.

 

“Yes. Phil. I missed dinner. I’m hungry. I ordered a pizza. Is that okay with you? Should I have called first to make sure?” Her snarkiness shot daggers at him.

 

“Great, I could eat again.” Erin didn’t acknowledge his comment as she answered the door, generously tipping the delivery girl and apologizing, instead of thanking her, for all the stairs she had to climb.

 

“You know Erin, the meat deluxe with alfredo sauce is way better.” He said, interjecting his opinion where it wasn’t welcome as he opened the box and took the first slice. “But don’t worry babe, I can fill you with meat later.” And that was another moment where the redhead tried to find a solid answer to ‘Is my boyfriend more like a splinter or a mosquito?’ by listing out reasons that didn’t help the answer sway one way or another because it was just a list of qualities they both shared: annoying, irritating, always there, hard to get rid of, etc.

 

“Well, when you order the pizza, you can get what you want.” Erin was sick of having to explain things like this to Phil, this man child on her couch. She took another large gulp of her smooth, fruity, Californian drink as she sat down on the far side of the couch. When she heard Phil dramatically sigh because she was so far away, she finished her glass and took a large first bite of her slice of pizza to give her time to plan out what to say. “You know, Phil, I’m just not feeling it right now. I just wanted to come home and unwind after today.” Usually Erin would sweep her frustrations under the carpet, but with a full glass of liquid courage kicking in on an empty stomach, she was attempting to kick him out.

 

“What do you mean by right now? Like right now, right now?” He gestured pointing a finger at his watch, “Or like right now in life?” When she said it, she had meant right now like tonight, but now that he was giving her the option to clarify, she might as well get it out. She did the classic Robert DeNiro contemplation face, which turned into her trying to suppress a smile at the idea of not having to deal with Phil.

 

“Um, well to be honest I’m not sure. I don’t feel like we are working together well. You’re always condescending when you talk to me. You don’t even like Loch Ness...” She was finding the words as they were coming out of her, being more honest with him right now than she had been in a while. Phil looked confused and almost offended, but not in a way that was damaging to his emotions- just his ego.

 

“Well, then I suggest you do some thinking on that. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said as he stood up and walked towards the door, overcompensating the rejection by carrying his shoulders higher than normal and taking extra-large steps.

  
“Haha, yeah we’ll see.” Erin said as she laughed to herself and took another bite of her pizza, putting her feet on the part of the couch Phil had just gotten up from. She grabbed her laptop, opened a new tab and googled “how to change a tire,” it was about time she educated herself on this. However, when she pulled up a video she couldn’t help but compare this burly, hairy man to the soft, delicate but strong woman who graciously changed her tire on the side of the road earlier that day. Only fourteen seconds into the video, Erin reached over to grab her phone. After the split second of forgetting what she was doing, she got up to retrieve her purse. She found the napkin and sat back on the couch with her phone in both hands and the napkin on her lap. She opened a new message and typed in the number. She laughed at herself for a moment because she had noticed her fingers were greasy from the pizza and it must be a sign for her to send this message. Her thumbs twitched back and forth for a while, trying to find which words they wanted to type.  After reading through it and realizing how impersonal the message felt, she erased it, threw her phone into the couch. She poured another big glass of wine and grabbed another slice of pizza and sat down to finish learning about the Loch Ness monster.

* * *

 

She woke up with the aftertaste of pizza, alcohol, and sleep in her mouth. Hm, must have fallen asleep on the couch. Her phone was right next to her on the cushion, not where she remembered throwing it.

2:51

340-434-3232 3 hours ago

Hi Erin, Holtz. so you’ve never met a lady with tires… i can’t say the same. in fact, i am a lady with tires right now, get it? like tired? 

What? Who the fuck is Holtz? Ohhhhhh, shit. Erin’s memory was triggered as she opened her phone and scrolled through the handful of messages she had sent her handyman.


	4. The Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes up the morning after, has a stressful day, and contacts Holtz to make plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I know it's been a minute. I'm on a road trip right now so I have time to type a lot. I'm almost done with the next chapter too, but won't be able to post it until I have wifi.

Erin had a special kind of curse/gift. She always woke up minutes before her alarm without fail. It was either because her reticular activating system was so accustomed to her daily routine of waking up promptly to her only set alarm at 6:30 (she believed hitting snooze was a bad habit that led to unhealthy sleep patterns), to be fully awoken by a 13 minute shower close to every single day for the past thirty or so years; or because embedded in her subconscious was the insecurity waking up late and frantically having to gather herself enough to be presentable to her pretentious colleagues. Today on the other hand, she woke up to two short buzzes on her nightstand. Immediately realizing the inconsistency in her morning routine, she literally flinched herself awake, instantaneous with her becoming hyper aware of how her room was more well lit than it normally is, how she simultaneously felt like she had too much sleep- but also not enough, and how she was not wearing her usual sleepwear of a cotton or silk tank top and gym shorts (Erin gets really hot when she sleeps, so instead of waking up sweaty, she usually opts for wearing as little clothing as she can. However, she still wears enough to not be too uncomfortable in a situation where she needs to be rescued from a burning building or something like that in the middle of the night.), but found herself instead in sweatpants and a long sleeve t shirt- waking up with her core temperature too warm and her epidermis too moist.

 

8:30 am

30 minute reminder: Meeting with Bronstein and Dr. Gibbons, Rm 221.

 

Erin only referred to colleagues as “Dr.” in her notes if they were women. She knew the men she worked with prided themselves too much in their labels and didn’t feel like giving them quite the same dignity as the women who worked in such an oppressing male-dominated field. Of course, she never let this be known to anybody besides in her own notes and reminders to herself. Thirty minutes seemed like an excessive amount of time to set a reminder for meetings that were typically just down the hall, but an extra twenty minutes to refine notes and topics of discussion was always another action Erin took to ensure that she didn’t screw up her shot at tenure. Plus, she liked to get there a few minutes early to make sure there were enough chairs and to refill her coffee if needed. The unnecessary organization for meetings was just another self-delegated task Erin took upon herself in order to prove her preparedness and effectiveness.

 

_ God fucking dammit. I have 30 minutes to get to this meeting and I still need to shower because I am a sweaty mess and it’s disgusting. Erin. Breathe. Calm down. Bitch, don’t you tell me to calm down, I’m freaking out. Email them, you can postpone it. Nobody likes morning meetings besides you anyway. _

 

Erin found her laptop still open on the coffee table, flooding her with memories of the night before- her intolerance for Phil and her tipsy messages to the soft, messy blonde. She drafted an email, hoping her warping of the truth was more believable on a screen than in person, because she had always been a terrible liar. Hell, people didn’t even believe her when she was telling the truth sometimes- including her own parents.

Dr. Bronstein and Dr. Gibbons:

I apologize for the late notice, but I would like to request a postponement of our scheduled meeting today at 9 am to 3:30 pm. I am giving an exam in my class later this morning and have been receiving a reasonable amount of questions from students. Please let me know at your earliest convenience.

Dr. Gilbert

Immediately after hitting send, almost as an afterthought, she realized that she should not open her emails with an apology. She doesn’t owe them an explanation either, but she has always been the type to over-explain herself when she felt she was inconveniencing others- well either that or complete avoidance of confrontation whatsoever. These past few months especially (maybe around the same time she started seeing Phil?), she has been reading more articles on empowering women, self-discovery, and personal growth. One of the main ones she has been bringing into consciousness lately has been constructing phrases in an appreciative, gracious manner rather than in a self-depreciating way. Which she also recognized the other day, when she initially tried to thank the pizza delivery person for hiking all those stairs (until she realized it was Phil), and then later with the real pizza delivery person, she apologized for her having to climb all the stairs. And really, now that she thinks back on it, she’s pretty sure Phil carried and projected the negative energy shifting her to use her apologetic tone.

 

She rushed to get ready, taking a quick shower and only towel drying her hair, packing her make-up to do on the way. She packed a couple of slices of leftover pizza for lunch, forgetting about her potential lunch date. She checked her email one last time before leaving and had a response from both colleagues agreeing to postpone their meeting, alleviating some of her franticness. She relaxed a little bit, but still rushed to work because she had to teach at 10:40 and wanted to be there extra (extra) early because she would be teaching in the big hall. The department had conjoined a few smaller lectures into one big one because Dr. Bronstein was pushing to do more research and less teaching. Typically, the university does not comply with these types of requests by employees, but Bronstein had been there for a long time, was on tenure, and got along really well with the dean because they had similar personalities; they were both sexist, entitled, and not very pleasant to be around.

After Erin settled into her office, she considered whether or not to text back the woman who fixed her tire. She convinced herself to, figuring that this would be a good time because she was busy enough with other things that she wouldn’t have time to overthink it.

 

**327 - 065 - 2778**

Holtz- seems fitting. Well, in that case I suppose I am also a woman with tires haha. Can you grab coffee or lunch today?

She was a little surprised (and excited) at the speedy response a few minutes later.

**340-434-3232** now

Sure thang! have you been to the sandwich shop on north st? theyre pretty good

**327 - 065 - 2778**

I don’t think so, not that one in particular at least. Sure, that sounds good. I teach until noon, but I’ll be there as soon as I can after that.

**340-434-3232** now

Great! looking forward to it :)

 

So was the redhead. She was excited to not feel obligated to get lunch with Phil to hear him ramble on about nothingness for an hour. Although, one good thing about getting lunch with Phil is it was timed, unlike their dates, so she had a reason to leave after their time was almost up. Plus, it made her work that much more captivating. Just as she was packing up to head to class, the dean stopped in her doorway asking if she was available to meet over lunch to talk about her tenure. Of course she complied- she didn’t want to give off the impression that her position at the university wasn’t a top priority.

She texted the blonde on her walk to the hall saying she unfortunately had to cancel because of a last minute meeting being called to order. She felt bad, but knew (was hoping) the blonde would understand. Sure enough, the other woman texted back saying it was no big deal, and to let her know if she wanted to get drinks or brunch or whatever sometime over the weekend.

* * *

“Miss Gilbert, please come in.” Erin hated that her colleagues always addressed her as ‘miss’ instead of ‘doctor,’ but didn’t dare correct them. She wasn’t sure what this meeting was about, but knew it was probably important if it was urgent. It was unsettling to not have an agenda or notes or any preparation materials because she didn’t know what they were going to discuss, but reminded herself that she deserved tenure and was the perfect candidate with her plentiful publications, dedication to the university, and above average teaching reviews. Still, the anticipation of being asked questions she didn’t know how to answer had made a home in her worries. It wasn’t that she was bad at thinking on the fly; quite the contrary, actually- she was great at thinking fast, it was articulating her ideas into words that made her come across as awkward and unprepared.

“Dr. Bronstein came by my office this morning to notify me that you were not prepared for your meeting this morning because you were not here.”

“Oh, I had sent him an email saying I would like to post--,”

“I wasn’t finished.” He interrupted saying one word, heavily, at a time, as Snape would. “You were not prepared for your meeting this morning because you were not here contradicting the email you had sent saying you were busy emailing students. Is this correct?”

“Yes. In my defense, I never claimed to be in the office. I have email access from my apartment and had my work out there, losing track of time working on my new journal article. Plus, don’t you think it’s just a  _ little _ bit childish that Bronstein ratted me out? Like a child tattling on a classmate for copying homework?” Her annoyance at the pettiness of the conversation probably shined through with her impressions of an 8 year old pointing out to the teacher that Jonny copied the last row of multiplication from his neighbor. It probably didn’t ease the situation that Erin mindlessly grabbed a truffle from his desk while making her point and put the whole thing in her mouth, which she soon found out was too big for her small mouth to modestly chew.

“Character is a highly valued attribute at this institution. Plagiarism is a zero tolerance policy, as is lying.”

“Well, technically I did not  _ lie _ ,” she did not elaborate on this point partially because she still was trying to figure out how to swallow this candy without drooling all over herself, but also because she had a knack for not being allowed to finish her thoughts before a man spoke louder and more confidently, drowning out any other thoughts she was trying to express.

“Dishonesty, Miss Gilbert, is not taken lightly and should not be maken light of. Please proceed with more awareness in your consideration for tenure. Good day.” He finished speaking as he  gestured towards the door as a clear way to say ‘I’m done with you, get out.’ His segues ending meetings were always abrupt. Erin wasn’t complaining though. Whenever she stepped foot in his office, her actions were dissected as if they were a new fungus under a microscope. Plus, she had some pizza calling her name in her office.

* * *

**327 - 065 - 2778** 4:38

I know it’s kind of last minute, but if you’re down for dinner after work, it’s my treat.

Her meeting with her colleagues was just an addition to her stress-ridden day. She spent the whole time thinking about how Bronstein ratted her out, but not wanting to deal with calling him out in confrontation, especially knowing Gibbons wasn’t going to interject her opinion at all, just watching it unfold.

**340-434-3232** 4:43

Count me in. Just give me a time and place

 

 

 


	5. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Holtz get dinner at a fancy ass restaurant. We get a good feel for more of Holtz's quirks, which Erin finds oddly charming. They start out kind of awkward, but have a good time and get to know each other more once they relax and get comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS THIS ONE IS A LOT OF FUN. It's a lot of dialogue, but I think it gives a good feel to developing Holtzbert.

Erin debated going in to sit down or wait in the lobby for the entire ten minutes she waited for Holtz to get there. She was already nervous about enough other things: the place she chose for dinner was high end, her boss gave her a petty lecture possibly threatening her track for tenure, and she wasn’t quite as presentable today because she rushed to get ready this morning. Regardless, she was also nervous excited to see this woman, who looked just as excited to see her when she walked up, damp from the rain outside because she was not carrying an umbrella.

 

“Hey there. Man this place is fancy isn’t it? They probably would not let me in if they knew I just crawled out of a dumpster,” she made a very matter-of-fact statement as she browsed the venue, looking back down at herself in comparison.

 

Erin stood up as the other woman approached, “Oh, we can go somewhere else. I just chose this because I hadn’t been here yet and I’ve heard really good things.”

 

“No no, as long as you’re not embarrassed eating with someone who just crawled out of a dumpster. In which case, I think that’s more on me than the restaurant,” she said with a smirk. “But yeah, I’m down for here. It’s been a while since I ate at a fancy-ass restaurant. Plus, you can’t go wrong with fondue,” she licked her lips saying that last part, partially thinking about the fondue, partially thinking of her date for the night.

 

“Alright, well let’s find a table then.” Erin had already made a reservation, assuming the new fondue restaurant would likely be packed after work on a Friday night and knowing making small talk in a cramped waiting room would just make her more nervous. When the wait-staff was ready to seat them, Holtz offered an ‘after you’ gesture with both arms and a bow, but following close behind. As expected, every table was full and the servers were snaking in and out, carrying heavy trays of food. “Right behind you,” the unfamiliar voice startled Erin, causing her reflexively to step back. Instead of stumbling into the small waitress behind her and spilling the next table’s meals all over herself and the floor, she met Holtz’s small hand on her lower back, almost as if she foresaw the other woman stepping back and making a mess. Her thumb matched her spine and the tips of her fingers landed inches away from Erin’s most ticklish spot. As unnecessary it was for Holtz to keep her hand there until their table was cleared, Erin was glad she did.

 

Holtz initially felt Erin tense up under her hand, but just as quickly felt her relax as she processed the commotion around her. It even appeared that the redhead readjusted her step back to stand closer to the smaller woman. Her hand felt comfortable there- it broke down the tension and allowed their energies to make contact. Holtz muttered out, “You smell like coconut,” as their bodies met. She also noticed how it wasn’t an artificial smell of coconut- it smelled more like those organic shampoos that you can only smell if you’re really close to. The comment took Erin slightly off guard, but allowed her to focus on something other than the mishap that was just prevented. Holtz had a very unique mix of scents- the fresh muskiness right before it rains, the aftermath of mowing a lawn, leather and oil, and something just a little spicy. But instead of trying to stumble over her words returning the comment, she just said thanks. As hungry as she was and how ready she was to sit down and get out of the way, she did not appreciate having to step forward away from the comforting hand.

 

Neither one of them said anything when they sat down and faced each other. They were both inside their own heads. Holtz was probably thinking of a way she could use the new piece of aluminum she took from the recycling dumpster. Erin was filling herself with regret for choosing a restaurant that would likely be slow tonight because of how busy it was, which would force these two to potentially sit there and stare at each other awkwardly for a couple hours.

 

“Guess how many lives I saved on the way here.” Holtz blurted out, breaking the silence.

 

“What?” Erin was confused, trying to figure out if she heard the blonde correctly in the noisy restaurant.

 

“Guess how many lives I saved on the way here.” She repeated, a little more enunciated than before. Upon seeing Erin’s blank ‘I have no idea’ reaction, Holtz decided to answer her own question, “Three,” Erin’s look maintained confusion. “I walked here through the park and you know how when it rains, all the worms come out. Well, come out of the ground, not the closet. Are worms gay? Wait, no they’re asexual, right? I dunno,” Erin could tell already that most conversations with the blonde probably took many turns and tangents. “Anyway, whenever I see worms on the sidewalk, I find a stick and use it to scoot them back into the grass so they down get run over by bikes or shriveled up from the sun. Probably part of the reason I was late, whoops.” Holtz had a system of filtering through people that weren’t worth her time. She usually got weird fast, and anybody that could keep up or not get weirded out were worth spending time with. If they couldn’t, then she wouldn’t have to spend time pretending to be someone she’s not to have friends that don’t like the real her. Erin thought this was a weird way to open the conversation, but appreciated the alleviated pressure of not having to do it. In some weird way it was kind of cute that Holtz cared enough to save worms.

 

“Oh, well that’s nice, I suppose. I’m sure those worms appreciated it. Lemme guess, you probably had an ant farm growing up?”

 

“You can buy a massive rainbow dung beetles for 8 dollars online. That’s the kind from A Bug’s Life! Or 1500 lady bugs for like ten bucks off amazon. But to answer your question, yes. But I progressed quickly.” Erin was slightly horrified, but still intrigued with this woman’s history.

 

“So where are you at now?” She meant her question to mean where had she progressed with pets now. And Holtz knew this, but wasn’t going throw away a good opportunity to make a witty comment.

 

“I’m at dinner with a pretty lady,” she responded with a wink. Erin felt her face flush, flattered, but not used to comments like this from women. It was obvious she was hitting on her, but luckily she evaded responding to it by directing her attention to the man standing at their table. Erin asked about their pinot noir (it pairs with salmon and she should be starting her period in the next week, so getting her fix of iron from salmon seemed like a good idea), knowing a glass of wine would help her relax and open up. But she only orders pinot noir if it’s aged well from Italy or France. Holtz ordered a Blue Moon, always having liked beer more than wines or mixed drinks when she did drink- which wasn’t very often considering she was a very sensitive lightweight, but not wanting to make Erin feel uncomfortable for ordering alcohol.

 

“Oh yes!” Holtz exclaimed, remembering their conversation before the interruption. “I was actually playing with my children when you texted me the first time.” Another tendency for Holtz in conversation was to bring up something abruptly and vaguely, as if the people she was conversing with had a clue what she meant.

 

“Wait you have kids??” This surprised the redhead, clearly not remembering specifics of their previous conversation.

 

“Yeaaahpp. Four of ‘em. Precious little brats. But they finally stopped biting, so that’s a plus. That was a good time- every time I would pick them up and they would bite I would blow on their faces. They would flinch because they were startled, but then they’d look up at me with these beady little eyes that say ‘Sorry mom.’” Erin’s jaw must have been on the table. “OH. No not human kids. Kits. Kits.” She repeated the last word for emphasis, as if Erin knew what she was referring to if she repeated it.

 

Before Holtz could explain, their waiter returned with their drinks. Erin ordered her salmon and steamed veggies but before Holtz ordered, she asked the waiter what farm they got their beef from. When he left to get the manager, Erin had to inquire. “Is that just for trivia, or what?”

 

“Haha no. I have done a lot of research on the farms in the area. I like a good steak, but will only order them from restaurants who get their beef from farms that I know treat their cattle nice.”

 

“Hmm, so what did all your research entail?” She wasn’t sure how much information you could get about farm ethics without actually going to visit.

 

“Well, like I said, I’m an engineer. So sometimes on my days off I’ll stop by farms in the area to fix up their machinery or offer new ideas to make their work more efficient. Plus, I like play with the baby cows and chicks. If I’m lucky I get to see baby goats knock each other down too.” She got giddy talking about the baby animals and made gestures with her hands to imitate the baby goats jumping on each other.

 

The waiter returned, “We get our beef from a little farm about 90 miles north-west of the city.”

 

“Oh George and Kathy? I love them!! Okay, I’ll get a 3 oz steak with mashed potatoes and broccoli--mmm actually, no I’ll get the stuffed peppers with black beans; I had steak yesterday. Thanks dude.” Holtz cut herself off in the middle of ordering partially for remembering that she did have red meat yesterday and partially because the stuffed peppers were one of the only menu items with a picture and they just looked _so good._

 

The more this woman spoke, the more Erin wanted to listen to her stories. The way she addressed everything so casually was refreshing- did she just say ‘thanks dude’ to the man wearing a double button up and carrying a napkin over his arm? Yes, yes she did. Plus, as her hair was drying from the rain, the curls got curlier which just made her that much more adorable.

 

“Okay, wait. Go back for a second here. I mean that’s super cool that you volunteer at farms, but you have _four children?_ ”

 

“Hahah,” her nose crinkled as she stared at Erin and slapped her knee. “Nooo… kits, like baby chinchillas,” Erin’s expression immediately loosened as her shoulders and eyebrows relaxed. “Do you want to see pictures???” And before Erin could even agree (more out of the blonde’s excitement than her own), Holtz whipped her phone out and was scrolling through her pictures. She turned her phone around, holding it opposite of both of them and leaning closer to the redhead so they could swipe through together.

 

They went through many pictures of Holtz’s long-tailed chinchillas, in various poses with their ‘mother.’ Erin couldn’t help but let out an ‘awww’ upon seeing a picture of Holtz wearing a pair of baggy coveralls, with each kit in a different oversized pocket, peaking their little furry faces out. Holtz just had her hands on her hips and wasn’t even looking at the camera, but was looking into the eyes of the dark grey one that was in the pocket on her chest, who was stretching its neck up towards Holtz’s chin. Another picture was Holtz in pajamas (a ripped, paint-stained t shirt and sweatpants) with no make up and her hair down, holding all four chinchillas like a bundle in her arms across her waist. There were also various pictures of the ‘children’ poking their heads out of little cubbies made from legos, which Holtz obviously spent a lot of her free time making for them. Her favorite of those was what looked like a lego castle (made from regular legos, not a castle-kit) with each chinchilla in its own tower, either nibbling on what looked like fruit or peeking out the windows. However, there was one picture in particular that Erin would not forget. Two of the chinchillas as babies in a woman’s hands that were most likely not Holtz’s. The nails were painted a dark burgundy and the body in the background was wearing a sweater that she could not picture as something Holtz would wear. As she looked closer she saw a small white triangle on the lady’s wrist, something that was very familiar. She couldn’t quite identify how she knew this- it had been at least ten or fifteen years since it was relevant to her- but knew it would come to her. Her train of thought was broken by Holtz dropping her phone onto the table and reaching both arms out towards her neck. Before she had time to process what her attractive dinner date was doing, the blonde mumbled out fragmented words, “just gotta… fix… there,” as she slid the clasp of her necklace around to the back, as if it were a little pully system. Details that were out of place never really bothered Holtz, unless it made her equipment and inventions faulty. But the reason she _had to_ fix Erin’s necklace was really just her looking for an excuse to make contact and read the other woman’s response, which to no surprise was very similar to earlier- initial tension quickly fading to her just barely leaning into the contact.

 

Their “spiffy waiter man” as Holtz described him brought out their food, which they had both temporarily forgot about as they were enjoying each other’s company so much, especially after having a drink waiting for their meal. But upon smelling their food and seeing how delicious it looked, they were both suddenly aware of how hungry they were.

 

“Mmmmm scrumptious!!” Holtz said with a mouth full of pepper, which she had picked up and bitten into like an apple rather than use her utensils. “So Erin, tell me,” Erin’s heart fluttered a bit as she looked up to make eye contact with Holtz, knowing that these words could literally lead anywhere, “How’s Phil?” She had to ask, remembering how upset Erin was when she was talking on the phone the day they met, and how much Holtz had wanted to kick his ass for being so rude.

 

“How do you know about Phil?” The redhead’s face went slightly pale thinking about Phil, and tone completely did a 180 from their conversation before.

 

“Yeah, that probably sounded really creepy. Um, you talked to him on the phone when I was changing your tire.”

 

“Oh,” was all she could respond (mostly to herself), recalling how oppressive and stereotypical her ex was.

 

“I’m sorry, that was out of place. Forget I even said anything. I just remember thinking how he had no right to talk to you like that- to interrupt you and blame you. I was just really hoping that was a one time thing, not the way he treats you all the time. But we don’t have to talk about that… any way, how was work today?” Holtz didn’t want to come across as disrespectful of Erin’s privacy, but had to acknowledge the brief, but serious issues she had observed. She only elaborated on the topic to put the cards in Erin’s hands on whether or not she was willing to open up about it, but Holtz’s intuition told her Erin was not comfortable opening up about personal things.

 

“Oh, no. Don’t be sorry. It was a fair question. I’m just weird about it because I guess I was never really proud to be affiliated with him. He _was_ kind of a jerk.”

 

“Was? Affiliat _ed?_ Like past tense?” Her curiosity had taken over. She wanted to know the details on this woman’s relationship history, but kept her inquiries vague enough as to not make the other woman feel like she was prodding or being a creep.

 

“Haha, yeah. Past tense. I broke it off yesterday after I kicked him out of my apartment after he showed up, uninvited.” Even though her story started out very general, she noticed how Holtz’s attention was 100% on her, listening more intently than anybody Erin had interacted with in the past decade. It was genuine too, she wasn’t asking questions and listening out of something to talk about; she felt the blonde’s interest in her, which helped her open up and elaborate on her frustrations from the previous day.

 

“Well you met me yesterday too. I really am a home-wrecker, huh?” She knew it was just another witty comment, but Erin could have sworn she heard Holtz say ‘homo-wrecker’ instead of ‘home-wrecker.’

 

“Any room for dessert?” Their waiter man must have snuck up on them, neither of them realizing he was there until he spoke. Holtz didn’t respond right away, but instead kept her gaze upon the cute redhead, wondering how it was possible for such an intelligent woman to tolerate such a shallow man.

 

“Ummm,” Erin started to respond, not wanting to say no and have to leave, also glancing at Holtz to check in with how she was feeling. She only got an eyebrow raise and a grin, “Yes. I think we will. We didn’t have fondue for dinner so we might as well for dessert, right?”

 

“Score!” Holtz exclaimed, probably too loud for the restaurant they were in, causing her date for the night to chuckle at her, happy to have someone to listen to her open up, but also relieved that their conversation about Phil was over.

 

The dessert was out within minutes, as if it was ready when they ordered. Their waiter brought out a little kettle filled with melted chocolate and a couple candles to place underneath, along with a plate of giant strawberries, cherries, pineapple chunks, oreos, and shortbread butter cookies. Holtz’s eyes were so big, Erin was certain they were going to pop out of her head, causing her to giggle to herself once again. Little did they know, the chocolate was made with chocolate liquor, which it had said on the menu, but neither of them had paid attention. And of course, because they both ordered drinks with their meals, their waiter had not found it necessary to mention.

 

After dipping their fingers in the chocolate and trying some of the cookies in it, Erin stabbed a strawberry with her fork, dunked it in, and reached across the table holding it inches away from Holtz’s lips. As Holtz engulfed the entire thing in her mouth, she was asked, “So how about you? Are you seeing anyone? I’m assuming you have quite the dating life with how charming and skilled you are.” Holtz nearly choked, partially from the strawberry juices oozing down her esophagus, partially because she was entirely not expecting that.

 

“If you think I’m skilled now, just you wait.” It was mumbled to herself, but not out of range for Erin to hear, especially now that the restaurant had quieted down.

 

“What?” Erin had heard her, but wanted to make it seem like she hadn’t.

 

“No, I’m not.” She managed to get out as she finished swallowing the chocolate covered strawberry.

 

“Did you just eat the greens too??” Erin’s expression was back to worry, as if she just witnessed the blonde ingest poison.

 

“Hah, yeah. It wasn’t very good. Would not recommend. But no, I’m not dating. I’m tired of disappointing people for forgetting to respond to their messages because I get so caught up in work. Honestly, with how much I love my work, I don’t think I could realistically date someone who I can’t talk to about my work. Plus, it takes a special breed to put up with me- not many people are up for the challenge. Aaand a lot of women aren’t fans of rodents, so bringing someone home who wouldn’t freak out with the children isn’t worth my time. I’ll choose my babies every time.”

 

Avoiding the comment about dating women, all Erin could say was, “Wait, aren’t chinchillas marsupials?” Holtz couldn’t tell whether or not her outing herself made the other woman uncomfortable or if she honestly didn’t care and was just curious about her chinchins.

 

“Ummmm, no I’m pretty sure they’re rodents. Rodents gnaw on things and that’s why Patty won’t let me leave my lego cubbies in their cage. You know, ingesting plastic. No bueno.”

 

“Patty…?” Here she was again, sitting here trying to sort out Holtz’s comments, as if she were supposed to know what was going on.

 

“Oh, Patty is one of my good friends who works at the pet shop where I got the babes. Which is kind of bizarre because Patty doesn’t like poop or dirt. I think she’s gonna go back to working as an MTA.”

 

“Can I get you two anything else?” Sneaking up again, their waiter was back, probably ready for them to leave because of how long they had been there.

 

“No thank you. Just the check, together, please.” The redhead answered with a smile.

 

“Erin. You offered to buy me a drink. I’ll let you buy my beer, but that’s it. This place is fancy as shit.” Holtz was not at all expecting a free dinner and wasn’t sure if arguing with her would be worth it, but wasn’t going to feel like a mooch.

 

“Oh please, let me treat you,” she said as she reached for her purse.

 

“Well, thank you miss. I appreciate it.”

 

“Shit. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.” Erin whispered to herself, digging through her purse. She hadn’t used her wallet all day because she had packed her lunch and was running late enough to not stop and get her morning coffee. She had a flashback to the night before, when she pulled it out to find the napkin with the blonde’s number.

 

Holtz, seeing the panic on her face reached into her back pocket pulling out a couple cards clipped together with a small binder clip. It looked like it was just her license, credit card, and a punch card for local bakery/cafe. She slid her credit card in the bill before the redhead could notice and held it out to their waiter who was walking by. As he walked away from their table, Erin realized what was going on. Mortified, she thanked the blonde for being so gracious and insisted on making it up to her. “Don’t you even worry bout it. Like I said, it’s been a while since I treated a pretty lady to dinner.”

 

They walked outside together, but realized they would be going opposite ways. As Erin was thanking her once again for dinner and a great night, Holtz grabbed her hand and kissed her fingers, smelling a faint smell of chocolate still on them, saying nothing more than, “It was my pleasure,” while holding eye contact. Slightly unexpected, Erin flipped Holtz’s hand over and brought it up to her own face. With just a beat of hesitation, she licked the back of the hand that was on her back just a few hours ago. The two glasses of wine and however much chocolate liquor made her a little less fearless in her flirtations. Holtz just laughed, not really knowing how to take it and wished her a good night.

 

It wasn’t more than a couple hours later before Holtz’s phone lit up and ‘bing’ed.

 

 **327 - 065 - 2778** now

Hey, I had a really great time tonight. Thank you again for rescuing me. Anyways, here’s a video I think you might enjoy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNqQL-1gZF8

 

With her curiosity peaked once again by this woman, she immediately clicked the link and spent the next 7 minutes learning things she didn’t know she wanted to know about marsupials.

 

**340-434-3232**

Anytime :) next time, remind me to tell you about my experience with marsupials

 

Was it too forward to imply there was going to be a next time? Nahhh. She was beyond excited to spend more time with this woman, not knowing quite how much that would actually be.

 


	6. Processing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz, Abby and Patty talk about her "date" and try to figure out what's going on. After they figure out it's the same Erin that abandoned Abby, they try to sort out what the next move should be.

Holtz couldn’t subdue the smile on her face as she walked away from the restaurant, her hand still drying from where Erin’s tongue was a few seconds ago. She glanced back as Erin was hailing a cab, not blaming her at all for not walking because of the shoes she had on. She wasn’t sure if Erin had been watching her or if she just so happened to look up at the same moment. Regardless their eyes locked and Holtz could see her date’s teeth shining back at her, matching the twinkle in her eyes as she waved. The blonde returned something between a salute and a wave by just kind of sticking to fingers up in the air right before seeing Erin slide into the cab. Having a good mental map of NYC in her brain, and really always having a strong sense of direction, Holtz started walking towards her usual Friday night hang without pulling out her phone to confirm she was headed to the right place. She did however check her watch to make sure she wasn’t going to miss closing.

 

Abby, Patty 8:27

dont leave, i’m almost there

 

Holtz bounded in the Pet Shop the sign now saying closed, always acting like a wizard when the doors opened automatically for her.

 

“Hey baby, where ya been??” She was used to her friend being late to unofficial hang-outs from getting caught up on her newest innovations, but not for almost 4 hours.

 

“Hmm hmm,” she said with an eyebrow raise and greeting her friend with a high five. “Where’s Abby?” Her tone implied that she had quite the story and didn’t want to get started without her other friend around.

 

“Poor girl. You know how she gets around the kittens. She’s in the back probably looking for some Zyrtec. I’ll finish locking up so we can get out of here.” She said, putting the rabbit on her lap back in its pen.

 

“Aright, coo. Oh and thanks for leaving the doors open for me.” Patty just snorted to herself remembering the time Holtz ran straight into the doors after closing time after they had been shut off. Patty had let her in, obviously, but remembered how Holtz said that was just as bad as getting a rejection letter from Hogwarts and how next time she would appreciate some warning.

 

“Abby, you better get out here… I’ve got things to share!!” Holtz exclaimed as she wandered towards the back, stopping at each easily pettable pup/rabbit/ferret to pat them on the head and say hello, purposely avoiding the kittens for the sake of her friend. “Abby?”

 

“I’m back here!” Her voice was strained with congestion. Holtz approached her with open arms when she found her, wrapping her arms around her friend’s neck. As she wrapped her arms around the smaller woman’s waist (knowing all too well what greetings like this meant), Holtz slid her legs up around her hips. Every now and again Abby would cradle Holtz like this, as if she was an oversized toddler. The blonde’s curls scrunched together as she rested her head on the other woman’s shoulder.

 

“I love you Abby,”

 

“Love you too, Holtz… Now what do you want?” She asked as she retrieved her arms. Holtz’s hugs and ‘I love you’s were always genuine, however both together seemed a like a little much. She put her legs down to stand, but kept her head on the other woman’s shoulder and arms around her neck. “Oh, nothing- I just really appreciate you. You’re like momma bird, best friend, and world’s greatest colleague all in one. Thanks for waiting here for me even though it’s your own personal hell.” And with that, Abby returned her arms around her, using one hand to reach around and pet the top of Holtzmann’s hair, knowing it relaxed her.

 

“Oh, you’re welcome honey. Now let’s get out of here and hear this story you’ve got for us!” She was hoping this would be a follow-up to how Holtz was acting yesterday at the restaurant, but was just going to wait and see.

 

“Y’all ready? Where we goin?” Patty asked as she removed and hung up her metal nametag next to the others in the breakroom.

 

“I don’t care, but we need to get moving because I feel like shit,” Abby stated very matter-of-factly. “Holtz?”

 

“Oh well I haven’t been home yet and I need to feed and play with the babes, so my place?” Even though she knew they were both fine with it, she always double checked especially knowing how much clutter stressed Patty out. Abby was used to it by now, having been sharing the lab space with her for quite some time. Soon enough, they were at Holtz’s studio, it only being a few blocks away.

 

“Holtzy, baby, you really need to clean this place up if you ever wanna get some. There’s not even room to sit down!” She half-complained as she moved a pile of clothes to the ground from the sofa, hardly believing Holtz owned so many clothes when she’s seen her in 7 or 8 different outfits, maybe ever. Also, hardly believing that she found a way to have a queen size bed, a giant chinchilla cage, and a loveseat all in her tiny apartment.

 

“I can stand… or kneel… or lie down on the floo-” she said without even a hint of hesitation and suggestively enough that Patty cut her of telling her to stop right there, causing Abby to chuckle at their back-and-forth. Holtz plugged in her Christmas lights that were hanging on the walls and a lamp (she was never fond of overhead lights- they were just too bright), then pulled each chinchilla out of their cage and put them on the floor, along with their dish with some food.

 

“Damn Holtz, you need to put those things on a diet. Have you been feeding them pizza crust again? You know that’s not good for them.”

 

“Nah, no more pizza crust. That’s a scolding I’ll never forget. But… they do occasionally enjoy some salty parabolas.” She said just as she somehow pulled a tube of Pringles out of thin air and squatted down. “Come on babies, come to mama,” she summoned them as she loudly bit a chip in half, offering each chinchilla one of the broken pieces.

 

“I am too tired for this,” Patty almost muttered to herself as she closed her eyes and leaned her head on the back of the couch. She enjoyed the playful bickering with Holtzmann, but was exhausted after a long week. “Alright, let’s get this show on the road. Tell us about your date. Hold up, first let’s crack open some beers. Y’all got beer?”

 

“Uhh yeah, there should be some Blue Moon in the fridge. Here, let me,” she started to get up to host her guests, but Abby leaned towards the fridge and opened it, not having to get off the couch.

 

“No worries, I gotchu.” She handed each of them a bottle, skipping herself as the Zyrtec was kicking in. “But yeah, let’s hear about her miss no-one-will-date-me.” She had to pick fun at Holtzmann, knowing that tons of women would love to date her if she would just put in a little bit of effort, finding herself repeating that to her every time she complains about not having a human to cuddle.

 

“Well she’s really cute and fun to talk to and pretty and kind of awkward and smells like coconut, maaaybe a little uptight, but funny when she’s had a couple glasses of wine and-”

 

“Okay, back up. How’d you meet?” Abby knew that if she wanted a framework that made sense she would have to ask direct questions. Otherwise, she would be left sorting through Holtz’s stream of consciousness.

 

“Uhh, the other day before I met you and Gorin. She was stranded with a flat tire.”  
  


“Okay. So _yesterday_. And I doubt she was ‘stranded’ on a busy high way.”

 

“Pish posh. She needed a hero,” was the response, trying to convince herself as much as the other two.

 

“A heroine,” Patty corrected, her eyes still shut and head against the couch, but listening to every word.

 

“No no. No heroine. That shit fucks you up. Did you know that 25% of people that try heroine end up addicted?” Another tendency Holtz had in conversation was to bring up random interesting facts to avoid talking about herself- no matter how excited she was about the conversation. She always had a feeling that people would always rather be doing something else than hang out with her, which she could never really pin point, considering her very stable self-confidence when she was alone. It was almost as if she loved herself and enjoyed spending time with herself, but didn’t expect others to. She had always been like that, which was probably the main reason she didn’t ever have many close friends. Another reason Abby asked a lot of questions: to ensure Holtz could see her interest and to keep her on track.

 

“So you fixed her tire… and she asked you on a date? Is she queer?” Her eyes got big behind her glasses, being overtaken by curiosity.

 

“Mmmm, I hope so. Her personality tonight said maybe, but she mentioned a boyfriend yesterday.” The grimace and ‘yikes’ looks on the faces from the ladies on the couch prompted her to continue. Patty sat up, full attention on Holtzmann now that she was concerned for the potential epiphany and disappointment that was likely to follow, knowing Holtz was rather sensitive.

 

While staring at her chinchillas as reason to avoid eye contact while talking about her personal life she went on, “I also outted myself in a comment that she didn’t acknowledge. So that’s not good.” She looked up at them from the floor, seeing the worry in their faces. “However, she broke up with her boyfriend last night, blushed when I flirted with her, tried to buy my dinner, and then licked my hand. Why would she blush when I flirted if she was that straight, ya know?”

 

“She _licked_ your hand??” Patty’s expression snapped from concern to confusion.

 

“Haha yeah, I guess she did.” She looked at her knuckles thinking about how Erin’s fingers smelled like chocolate and how Erin practically force fed her a giant chocolate strawberry and smiled to herself.

 

“Well, that sure is something, huh? How’d she ask you out?” Trying to keep things on track, she kept asking linear questions so she could process it piece by piece, repeating herself when they didn’t get answered.

 

“Mmmm, I wouldn’t call it ‘asking me out,’ she more so insisted to buy me a drink to thank me for fixing her tire after I wouldn’t let her pay me… and a drink just so happened to turn into dinner at some fancy-ass place.”

 

“Aw hell, if you tell me she took you to that new fondue place, Imma be pissed. Nobody’s asking Patty to fondue!”

 

“Oh Patty we can have some _fun_ … _do_ you wanna go with me?” Abby, witty as ever, slurred her words together to make a pun. Patty rolled her eyes as Abby turned back to Holtz, “Okay so that’s why you didn’t let her buy you dinner. Makes sense. What does she do?”

 

“Well, no. She actually forgot her wallet so I paid.” Her friends looked suspicious, hoping another woman wasn’t trying to mooch off their sometimes-too-generous-with-strangers friend. “Oh, she legit forgot it. She was so embarrassed. Umm, she’s a professor. I wanna say from Columbia?” She looked up at the ceiling as if that was going to help her remember. “But I don’t think she mentioned which department.”

 

“Hmm, well that’s your next mission. Not trying to get you down, but the chances that she’s too secular to be interested in the paranormal is pretty high. Just trying to keep it real.”

 

“Yeah… I’ll ask her next time. Again, she insisted on making it up to me. Of course, I don’t know when that will be…” Holtz’s sentence trailed off with her thoughts, making vague comments like that to hint at the others to let her know when it was okay to contact her again. Before either could say something Holtz’s eyes got big as she whipped out her phone from her back pocket smiling when she saw the message. “Hey watch this video with me,” she almost demanded as she spun around and leaned against the couch between them.

 

“Dear god, she’s perfect for you.” Patty said only a few minutes into the video.

 

“Haha, have you seen the octopus one too? I remember Erin sharing something like that a couple months ago.” Abby said after the video ended as Holtz responded to the message. Of course, both Holtz and Patty knew about Abby’s falling out with Erin, but Abby still somewhat followed her on social media, still caring about her.

 

And as if the epiphany fired through their neurons at the same exact instant, they locked eyes- Holtz realizing that’s why her date looked so familiar and Abby fitting the pieces together.

 

“What? Y’all look like you just saw a ghost. Oh. Ohhhhh. Shit!” And before much time had passed, Patty was caught up.

 

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just text her back. And say I can’t meet up again. That I’m moving to Arkansas. Or that I’m pregnant, or something.” Her words were broken and sentences fragmented as she looked down into her phone trying to think up a long-term excuse. And that disappointment that Patty was anticipating earlier was inevitably here now.

 

“Holtz. Holtzmann. _Jillian._ ” Her first name being used caused her to look back up at Abby from under her eyelashes, not moving her head up whatsoever. “Stop. I am not going to be the reason you stop talking to her. That is not my place and this is drama between the two of us. It has nothing to do with you.”

 

“But Abby. You mean the world to me. I don’t even know if I could even give her a fair chance knowing how she abandoned you.” The struggle in her thoughts was apparent.

 

“Just talk to her. I mean, if this goes somewhere maybe we can finally reconcile. It’s actually good to hear that she’s doing okay.”

 

“Abby. Honestly, if you change your mind please just tell me. I don’t want to make your life complicated. You don’t deserve that.” It was obvious that Holtz said this with full intention to drop Erin for Abby’s comfort.

 

“Really, I see how happy you are already after just meeting her. I think you owe it to yourself to give it a chance. Just be careful, she could leave at any time with no explanation. She does that when she’s scared. I’m not sure where she stands with her identity with herself.”

 

“What do you mean? Is she gay or nah?” Still tired, not up for the confusion, Patty just wanted answers.

 

“Well, I think she’s definitely not 100% straight. When we were friends she would always talk about her ‘girl-crushes’ even more than boys. But she thought all straight girls had those and never thought more of it. I don’t think she ever faced her feelings towards women or ever even admitted it to herself. She’s always tried to do what was expected and fit the norms. That’s why she tried to date football players in high school and why she got played by frat boys in college.” She sighed, realizing again that Erin’s leaving was more a product of her insecurities and motivation to fit in rather than anything personal against herself.

 

They all noticed it was getting late and this conversation was probably best left for another time. So Abby and Patty left Holtz with her chinchillas and her thoughts, wished her a good night and hailed a cab to take them home.


	7. fun Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin goes to a party hosted by a guy friend from college to continue celebrating her new found single-ness. After attempting to flirt with some attractive, successful men and a surprise phone call with Holtz, she gets another step closer to accepting more of herself. The second revelation is also in store.

Whew. Friday. After a long week of getting weird uncomfortable glances from Phil, all while he completely ignored talking to her, and hearing murmurs from colleagues walking by (ie: “Did you hear Erin broke up with Phil? I guess he surprised her at her apartment after the event she didn’t go to and she told him off” or “I wonder if she’s fucking Fillmore… she’s so desperate for tenure” or “She always has been a little off” to some a little less harsh like “Do you think their whole relationship was as awkward in private as it was in public?” or “I think she’s just happier alone, some people are like that”) she was ready to go home and work on her articles without interruptions.

 

Friday. One week ago today was her dinner with the curly-headed, charming engineer. She hadn’t talked to her since. Although a big part of her wanted to message her and ask how she was doing, another big part of her was kind of relieved they hadn’t been in contact. It seemed that whenever she had good chemistry with friends at first, the relationship would just as quickly die down. That had hurt for a while, but because this was a regular encounter, Erin had become kind of numb to it by now.

 

Which honestly, is how almost all of her relationships were. She never had boyfriends in high school- partially because everyone thought she was a freak and teased her, partially because her inseparable friendship with Abby was fulfilling enough on its own. She had a couple long-term boyfriends since she started pursuing physics in college, but none of them had felt serious. She always had the same, stale, apathetic response to them, honestly dating them more out of convenience and because she felt that she should more than anything. She had a tendency to give men a shot just because they were smart, straightforward, and career-driven- and that’s everything she thought she should want, but had yet to find one she actually  _ wanted  _ to date.

 

Since she was in high school, she had valued her friendships with women more- there’s just some sort of unexplainable bond between women. But it always turned out that she held the importance of these relationships higher than her friends. The only person she could really count on was herself, which is why she chose to be alone for the most part (at least she told herself that was why). After getting shut out of any social circle throughout primary and secondary education ( _ghost girl! ghost girl!_ ) and having to endure extensive therapy after having her experiences consistently invalidated by her parents and peers, she realized not letting herself be vulnerable was easier. Lonelier, maybe. But regardless, less strenuous on her sanity. Afterall, you can’t be rejected if you don’t give people the option to reject you, right?

 

So she had carried on her week, not letting herself think of the dinner too much, brushing it aside in her brain as if were a professional interaction with a colleague. She planned on at least taking her out to lunch to at least partially pay back her debts but somewhere far less intimate to establish the boundaries, especially knowing this woman dated other women and had openly flirted with her a few times throughout dinner.

 

Although, this avoidance was not a one-way-street. Holtz had not reached out to her either, so she couldn’t feel too bad about pushing it off. The more she didn’t let herself think about it, the more she did and concluded that the blonde was probably always charming no matter who she interacted with and although probably did have a very genuine heart, treated everyone the same. The flattery the other night was nothing out of ordinary for whomever sat across the dinner table from her. The interest, the questions, that was just entertainment for the night- nothing more. It didn’t mean there were intentions to actually get to know her- more to just pass the time.

 

Erin’s subconscious was always busy clouding her emotions with different strains of logic that could lead her to believe anything than what she wanted to believe. She was ordinary. She was nothing special. She fit in. She was normal. She was successful because she had worked hard. She was going to be accepted. She also had gotten to the point where she had herself convinced that everybody had these thoughts, these ‘relationship issues,’ these feelings of inadequacy in friendships, etc.

 

But what about other things- like getting butterflies, and wanting to compromise in a relationship because you want to, not because you know it theoretically makes better relationships. Was she just more in tune with herself and more aware of realistic expectations? She just understood how the media had warped romance, right? Those were just ideas that other people held onto because they were sheep and absorbing impractical standards from rom-coms. People didn’t actually feel those ways. It was all a production. It was all just capitalism.

 

On the flip side, she did not have a clue for the real reasons Holtz had for ignoring her.

 

* * *

 

Erin wasn’t one to party too much or drink too much. However, with a newfound liberation from a dingy, drawn out relationship, she was open to celebrating her freedom and reclaiming her autonomy. Which is why she agreed to go to a party hosted by an old friend. His nickname in college was “fun Tony” for the reason that he could whip up a party last minute and still have a full turn out. 

 

Regardless of how roudy his house parties got in college, he could always sweet talk his way out of getting in trouble with the cops when they shut down his place for noise complaints (honestly probs helped that his uncle used to be the football coach), but he was always very respectful regardless of his privilege. This wasn’t going to be a rager like back in the days, obviously, but it was still sure to be a good time.

 

The hour and a half drive to Tony’s gave her (unnecessary) time to think (more) about the blonde and how she was going to go about asking her to lunch after not talking to her. She had a tendency to overthink and over complicate all of her interpersonal interactions. She could easily just text her saying, “Hey let’s do lunch!” and that would be perfectly fine. But it’s not that simple. The timing has to right so it’s not too urgent or to careless and the tone has to be right so it doesn’t sound desperate like she has no other friends to get lunch with or like an obligation that she has to check of her list so she can get rid of her feelings of debt. Whatever, regardless she wasn’t going to send it tonight because that would certainly give off a needy vibe- trying to make lunch plans on a Friday night…might as well just write on your forehead old and boring.  _ But I’m also in academia with a solid career, so maybe it wouldn’t come off as old and boring- maybe it’d come off as professional. _ Again with the overthinking, Jesus.

 

Pulling up to Tony’s was exactly how she envisioned it: an expensive looking house finished with quality looking furniture and decor, a flat screen mounted in the wall with the cords out of sight, an alcohol cabinet larger than the pantry, an inground pool in the back yard, shiny hardwood floors, and hardly anything inside that made it look like someone actually lived there. His double majoring in marketing and finance (along with his soothing voice and symmetrical face) must have scored him quite the job on Wall Street.

 

“Erin!!” He sounded surprised, yet excited, when he saw her walk up. “I’m so glad you decided to come out!” He greeted her with a brief and gentle hug before mixing her a drink and introducing her to some of his colleagues, who were all quite attractive, smart, and successful. 

 

After introductions and being asked for an update, Erin explained that she was on track for tenure at Columbia as she scanned the hands of the men (standing without a woman on their arms) for wedding rings. The majority of these men were married- except one. A tall blonde with a muscular build and glasses. She had a feeling Tony didn’t know him from work though; he had somewhat of a blank but happy expression on his face, as if there was one scene from Spongebob on repeat in his brain.

 

Erin stepped a little closer, looking at him specifically and reaching out to touch his arm when she asked whether or not they all worked together or how they knew Tony. He turned his entire body out of her reach pretending to cough to avoid contact with her, which was completely obvious to everyone standing in their circle. Tony clarified that he had stayed with Kevin’s family in Australia when he did his student exchange program in high school, although Kevin was still in grade school at the time.

 

They continued chatting as more people were showing up. From across the room, Erin thought she recognized the tall, awkward person who seemed to be suffocating a woman with his conversation. She pulled Tony aside, whispering and pointing, “Tony, how do you know  _ Phil? _ ” She said his name with a bad taste in her mouth.

 

“Why, what’s wrong with Phil?” He asked more rhetorically before his expression changed, answering his own question in his mind. “Oh… he’s cousins with Matt,” he said dryly. Matt was one of the cocky looking son-of-a-bitches with a trophy wife on his arm. Shocking, really.

 

“Ugh, Phil and I dated for a while. He’s just the worst.” Erin said, disappointed with herself, after realizing Tony was waiting for her to continue.

 

Phil must have given up on the woman he was trying to talk to because he walked over to get another drink. “Erin, you haven’t been answering any of my messages.” He simply stated as he joined their conversation.

 

“Okay,” was all she could say as she gave him a ‘why would I’ look. She excused herself to the bathroom, mostly because she wanted to escape standing and having meaningless interactions with Phil. Tony followed a moment later and caught her before she left the bathroom to rejoin other people.

 

“Erin, come here.” He said as he pulled her over to the edge of the hallway. “Don’t leave,” he moreso asked as he disappeared momentarily into his bedroom. When he came back he had a pipe and lit it up, offering it to her afterwards.

 

“Shit, Tony. It’s been years since I’ve done this,” she said, but not refusing the weed. Erin walked over to the snacks, not because she was hungry, or high yet, but because Kevin was standing there eating chips with that plasticy cheese in a can. She tried making conversation by asking him when he moved here from Australia, but couldn’t get through to him as he was just befuddled by the way cheese was able to be squirted from a can.

 

Phil was apparently observing their uncomfortable interaction from a distance because as soon as Kevin walked away, giggling with his cheese can, he walked back up to Erin. She tried to turn around to avoid him, and also snack because  _ snacks _ .

 

“Erin… are you  _ gay _ ?” He asked directly, realizing that maybe her lack of dating skills was not necessarily him, but men in general.

 

“What,” Erin said flatly, her eyebrows pushed together. Images of the blonde with rain-hair flashed through her mind along with the awareness of her thoughts that she would rather have another date with her than any of the men there. “Yeah, I’m okay.” She tried to play off that she misheard him as she walked away and sat on a sofa chair, thinking about how whiptail lizards are an entirely female species and how great that would be.

 

Erin pulled out her phone and googled pictures of newborn chinchillas. “AW little baby alien rats!” She squeaked to herself before closing safari and opening messages, rereading the brief interactions she’s had with Holtzmann via text.

 

**Hotty Holtzmann** now

Lol, well then feel free to call me anytime tonight

 

_ What, who’s- ohhh yes. When did I save her as that? Wait what is she talking about _

 

She didn’t remember sending the prior message about how she just smoked pot and there was a guy at this party with pretty blonde hair and of course a pretty blonde would remind her of her.

 

“Erin… hey, how are you?” The soft woman’s voice greeted her through the phone.  _ Erin, did you call her? Get it together. _

 

“Hi Holtz. Oh good, just hanging in there. Freaking I came to this party because Tony was a great friend back in the day. I had no idea motherfucking Phil would be here.”

 

“Phil? Like your  _ ex _ Phil?”

 

“Unfortunately, yes. We were both surprised to see each other. He asked me if I’m gay.”

 

“...oh?” Holtz didn’t want to sound too presumptuous. “What did you say??”

 

“Uhh, well I told him that I guess I’m bisexual, even though I’ve never dated a woman. I can’t say I wouldn’t.” Holtzmann knew she would never get this kind of confession out of a sober Erin, but still suppressed her urge to prod with questions.

 

“Oh, hmm. That’s… uh, that’s news, I guess. Good to know.” Holtz stumbled over her words, knowing Erin was most likely cross-fading as she was revealing this about herself.

 

“Holtzmann! I still owe you a dinner! And I need to ask you about marsupials!” She exclaimed as she remembered their last interaction. The blonde could hear her muttering “Holtzmann” to herself on the other end of the phone. “Wait what’s your first name? Why do you go by Holtzmann?”

 

“Uhh, that’s probably a story best left for another time. My first name is Jillian.”

 

“Oh come onnnnn, I want a story!” She whined back, not realizing that the name change was founded from a very sensitive situation.

 

“Okay, hmm. How about a fun fact instead? When I was in grade school, everyone called me Joltz. Partially because I used to write my name on my papers as J Holtz instead of spelling out all the letters. Partially because I had a tendency to fall asleep in my history classes because they were right after lunch. Well I would rest my chin on my hands and when my head would start to bob off my hands, I would jerk myself awake before my head hit the table. Good times.”

 

Erin giggled in response, trying so hard to focus on the story instead of how her knuckles look like elephant knees. “Well. That’s certainly better than  _ my  _ nickname back in the day,” she muttered, but not saying anything hinting at being haunted by a ghost and therapy and yadda yadda yadda.

 

“If it makes you feel any better, ghost tits was my nickname in middle school. I didn’t mind it too much, but I definitely would have preferred Joltz to stick longer.”

 

“Ghost tits?? Where did that even come from??”

 

“Well, I was a late bloomer, so of course when all the other girls had boobs and I didn’t yet, that’s what started it. Plus, I used to google random shit instead of working on class projects whenever we went to the library- including spottings of the paranormal.”

 

“Ghosts don’t have any reason for boobs, would they? Well I guess if it was just a woman who died. Not real tits though.”

 

“Oh! Side comment on weird boob things, did you know that the consistency of whale milk is like toothpaste? Because the baby whales don’t have lips to suckle, so the mom will just release a really thick, fat-rich milk into the water and babies will get it that way.”

 

“Hmmm, interesting. You learn something new everyday,” she sighed back, still not ready to reveal her past with the paranormal, but also just getting really tired all of the sudden. “You know Joltz, I’m gonna go. I need to make some coffee or something if I’m going to survive the night.”

 

“Redbull vodka!!”

 

“I’m not trying to die.”

 

“Okay then,  _ coffee _ .”

 

“Okay, bye, love you, goodnight!” She hung up saying goodnight as she registered the words that came before.  _ Whoops. _

 

* * *

 

 

Next thing she knew she was answering the unexpected knock at her door. Holtz was standing there, leaning against the door frame soaked head to toe from the rain. After asking her to, “Please come in,” the witty blonde gave back “Your turn first,” with a smirk. She waltzed in pushing Erin against the countertop with her lips as much as with her torso, squatted down just enough to grab her thighs and set her on the countertop, all so fluently as to not break contact between their open mouths. Her soft, strong hands moved from her thighs to her waist, sliding her closer to the edge of the counter, closer to her. Erin’s mind was racing, but her heart was racing even more. Holtz was pushing herself against Erin’s spread legs, the rainwater soaking into her clothes and making her groin feel wet. “Erin… Erin…Are you thirsty?” she said between heavy breaths. “Erin, honey, it’s getting late. It’s time to wake up.” She pulled back from the embrace and opened her eyes.

 

“Erin? Erin sweetie, get up off the couch. Here, have some water.” Tony had his hand on her shoulder shaking her gently as he was squatting next to her, with a full glass of water in his other hand. She gladly took it and chugged more than half of it while she thought about the reason for the wetness between her legs having nothing to do with fake rain. She realized it was just her and Tony inside, and could hear the murmur of a small group of people swimming and chatting outside.

 

_ What the fuck was that, I’m not gay _ . Her sobriety returned her to denial. She had been asleep for almost 3 hours. “You alright, you look like you just saw a ghost?” Tony asked, recognizing the slightly panicked expression on her face.

 

“Who told you??” She accused her face now red from embarrassment.

 

“What? Erin, it’s an expression. There’s no ghost.”  _ Well not now there’s not.  _ And with the clarification that he was not attacking her along with the shame she felt from her dream, she set down her water, grabbed his shirt and pulled him towards her, starting to kiss him. It took them both by surprise, especially because Tony was like the big brother she never had. But why shouldn’t she want more from him? He was gorgeous, a total sweetheart, successful, smart, the list goes on and on.

 

He kissed her back more out of not wanting to make her feel bad, knowing how sensitive she was, but only for a second. He pulled back and looked at her, waiting for some sort of explanation and reassurance that she wanted this. Tony had been awake while Erin was sleeping, drinking beers with his friends, still a little intoxicated. When Erin leaned forward to continue kissing him, he wrapped his arms around her and effortlessly picked her up from the chair.

 

He carried her into his room all while moving back and forth between kissing her mouth and her neck. They continued this for a bit while on his bed, when Erin was trying to remember if she had washed her dishes before she left or if the food on the dishes was getting crusty. She pulled back and asked urgently, “What do chinchillas even eat???” Tony just chuckled and rolled over with one forearm under her back and one hand under her neck.

 

Tony was great, but all Erin could think about is how big his muscles were _(why isn’t his exemplary condition doing more for me?)_ and how scratchy his 5 o’clock shadow was _(he needs to shave that, it’s like kissing sand paper)._ _Why do I feel so dominated by him taking control?_ _This should be a turn on. Ah, what the hell, it’s been so long. Plus, I’ve got nothing better to do._

 

Tony flipped back over, standing up and pulling his t-shirt back on. “Erin, don’t get me wrong. You’re hot. You’re smart. You’re funny, and I love you to death. But to be honest, that was like kissing a sister. It doesn’t feel right.” She just smiled and stood up, adjusting her clothes. She hugged him and thanked him for being such a gentleman. “Now, you don’t have to rush off. Actually, if you want to drive home in the morning, I’ll take the couch and you can crash on my bed.”

 

As Erin was laying there, trying to fall asleep she couldn’t help but think of the dream she had earlier that night. She was trying to accept the part of herself that she had been rejecting for so long. If you would have asked Erin to make a list of everything she wanted in a boyfriend, you would have gotten Tony, no doubt. But there was just no romantic chemistry. There never had been. So her thoughts wandered and she was hoping and begging her subconscious to continue the fantasy where it left off.

 

She tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep because of the sleep she had gotten earlier and because she had never really been comfortable sleeping away from home, being the reason she had been in the same apartment for  _ years  _ even though she could afford something nicer.

 

So to distract herself she got her phone out and opened facebook. Search. ‘jillian holtzmann.’ No results found. _Who doesn’t have a facebook??_ Search. ‘J holtz.’ No results. _Okay, miss Holtzmann, two can play this game._ Google. ‘Jillian holtzmann.’

 

**Higgins Institute of Science Welcomes Dr. Jillian Holtzmann to Join Dr. Abigail Yates in the Study of the Paranormal** September 2012

 

_ Oh my god. Abby. _

 


	8. Collaborations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been one week since Holtz and Erin have been in contact. Dr. Gorin meets with Abby and Holtz every week to collaborate and check in with her mentee (not that that was necessary anymore, but they were in such a habit of it anymore). Dr. Gorin warns them about the inherent risk of their prototype, encouraging them to have someone else in the field look it over before they actually test it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all. It's been a minute. This is a quick (but necessary) chapter with Dr. Gorin. More Abby/Patty/Holtz next chapter!

“It’s reckless, Jillian.” It wasn’t the first time she had heard this phrase, and doubtedly the last. But Holtzmann’s heart still sank knowing that could imply her mentor’s disapproval of her work. “It’s reckless,” she repeated, “but brilliant. Have you tried it?” She asked as she walked around the counter to further examine the prototype.

 

Holtz smiled (and breathed) relieved that the comment was not meant to be condescending, but only as an observation. “Wellll, no. But only because we haven’t had a good opportunity.” Even though she had done all the designing and engineering on the prototype, she said ‘we’ to include Abby for her ideas and support. “I don’t see any reason it shouldn’t work. Abby’s gone over the mathy part eight hundred forty-two times.”

 

Dr. Gorin gave her a concerned look, seeing through her made-up very specific number. Her look said on its own, ‘a thousand times still has room for error’ while saying out loud, “Make that a eight hundred forty-three. Perhaps ask another professional in the field to look it over. A fresh set of eyes might catch something.”

 

Holtz just thought to herself who they could ask in the field of physics who she could trust to take them seriously with their ghost-trapping proton gun.  _Erin._  Her thoughts were flying at the idea of speaking to her again, working together, hearing her giggle at her own jokes.

 

“Not that I don’t trust your and Abby’s work. I would just hate to see it malfunction and cause your atoms to implode.”

 

“Implode is the wrong word. It would be much more violent than that.” Her calmness in the response just showed how she was already aware of the risks involved.

 

Holtzmann’s fear had always been overtaken by her curiosity, which her parents learned at a very young age. She would bolt out the door without warning and time herself climbing to the tops of trees on the stopwatch she would wear around her neck like a lanyard. No matter how much her mother nagged, her dad always encouraged her sense of adventure.

 

“Please Jillian. Your innovations are groundbreaking but with equipment like this it’s easy to overlook critical details.”

 

“I knowwww,  _mom,_ ” Her mentor returned with a blank stare which went without saying,  _‘It’s only because I care.’_

 

“I brought soup!!” They heard Abby call back as she entered the lab. She decided that waiting over an hour for lunch every day caused more stress than convenience of having it delivered. So now she went to pick it up, forcing herself to get out of her stuffy lab and get some fresh air. “Oh hi Dr. Gorin. Have you eaten? Do you want some soup? We finally got more than one wonton!”

 

“Thank you Abby, but I am meeting a colleague in a bit.”

 

“You sure are a busy woman. Any how, what do you think?”

 

“It’s brilliant- dangerous, reckless, has the potential for mass destruction- but brilliant.”

 

“Becks thinks we should ask another physicist to look over our work before we try it.”

 

“There is no margin for error. That buffer of an overlooked detail could be fatal. You both have done extraordinary work, but it would be wise to consult someone with a fresh perspective.”

 

“Oh without a doubt. Yes, I agree. But we don’t necessarily have a network to collaborate with in studies of the paranormal. I think there are some scientists in Texas who used to work for NASA until they thought they were finding alien/paranormal something or another. But I’m not about to fly out there. They’re pushing 120 this time of year. Plus there’s no way we’re gonna get  _this_  through airport security,” they all momentarily brainstormed to themselves, “Do you have any recommendations?”

 

Dr. Gorin somehow knew everybody in their field that was at all relevant, but it was not her who responded to this question. Holtz cleared her throat, shifted her weight, and shuffled her eyes around the gadget. “Umm… well… maybe- we could ask Erin.” The lab was quiet enough that they both heard her regardless of her barely whispering this suggestion.

 

As soon as she realized they actually heard her, she shuffled some more stumbling over her words, “No- can’t do that- we’ll find someone else.”

 

Without missing a beat, Dr. Gorin fixed her attention on Abby, “Dr. Gilbert? Theoretical particle physics from Columbia?” She trailed off as she realized Erin would be ideal for looking over their prototype.

 

Dr. Gorin had never met Erin in person, but was familiar with her work. She distinctly remembers Holtzmann bounding into her office as an undergrad speaking faster than her thoughts about the new book she found at the library and asking her if there was anyway possible she could ever meet them. After returning from her odd jobs, Gorin had put her prodigy in touch with Abby, knowing Abby’s partner had just left and she could use some extra help.

 

She also recalled Holtz coming to her not too long later looking defeated and sitting against her desk on the floor saying, “I just don’t understand how someone could abandon Abby like that. Abby is the best friend anyone could ask for. She’s a genius… and witty… and- I think if you could personify a hug, you would get Abby.”

 

“That’s actually not a bad idea. Her expertise is exactly the range that we are lacking. Plus, that would give you a reason to talk to her again.”

 

“Again?” Dr. Gorin asked to clarify, obviously not having been filled in on whatever was going on.

 

“Holtz… kind of went on a date with Erin, before she realized she was  _my_  Erin- well not my, but you know what I mean.” To this, Dr. Gorin raised both eyebrows and turned back to Holtzmann.

 

“Abby- I don’t know- I don’t wanna- really, I think-” she started, before hearing Abby’s reaction back involuntarily from her subconscious, “Okay. But you know how I am about confrontation. How am I going to talk to her, ask her a favor, when you haven’t spoken in  _years??_ ”

 

“Oh please, knowing Erin, it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s already googled you. Even if she doesn’t know already, as soon as you mention scientific study of the paranormal, she’s going to know somethings up.”

 

“Ha if she’s googled me then she will definitely know. And depending on how far back she goes, she might also know that I was a competitive bowler in high school and that I am the proud winner of the costume contest at my junior high… THREE YEARS IN A ROW.”

 

Abby chuckled at that, remembering a picture she saw of Holtz dressed up as Agent Scully from the X Files, but Dr. Gorin simply waited for the progression of their conversation.

 

“But even then, it’s still a big deal--”

 

“Christ, Holtz. It’s not like you’re asking her to move into the lab. We’re asking for her work skills, knowing she’s an asset in modern physics and we could really use her help.”

 

“I agree. It looks like your best option.”

 

“Okayyyyyyy. I’ll shoot her a text sometime this weekend or next week. Aright?”

* * *

 

“Hey Abby, can I borrow your computer for a minute?” It was towards the end of the afternoon on Friday and her focus from the week was out the door.

 

“Sure, where’s yours?”

 

“Um… probably under everything on my desk.”

 

She googled ‘erin gilbert’ and scrolled through a few links of journal articles and pictures of her at faculty events and *boring* stuff like that.  _Oh here we go._  She found a link to the book her and Abby had published.  _I thought they took this down._  What she didn’t realize is this amazon page only came up because Abby was logged into google (which linked her amazon info).

 

Abby approached her at the end of the day, “Are we still on for drinks with Patty tonight? I’m kind of tired. What are you doing anyhow?” Holtz quickly exited out of that tab and onto her emergency in-case-Abby-walks-over tab, of cats vs cucumbers.

 

“Oh, Patty has a date tonight. Maybe tomorrow? But just look at these little guys!! They’re so cute!!”

 

“Little monsters, that’s what they are. Okay, well I’m heading out so I’m kicking you off my computer. Goodnight, friend. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

 

 


	9. Brunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Erin calls Holtz from the party, Holtz is trying to figure out what this impromptu conversation means. Bless for Patty's bluntness and ability to read people, and for Abby's insight on Erin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have rewatched the video compilation of Leslie flirting with Colin for ideas here. God I love her. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aaanrx0fVa4

Immediately after hearing the other line fall silent, Holtzmann’s mind was spiraling. _Okay, so Erin is queer… and she knows. Why did she tell me? Can she only admit that when she’s not sober? She’s so precious, she accidently told me she loves me and then got embarrassed._

 

* * *

 

‘Love’ has never really been a big deal to Holtz. The word, society’s construct, the pressure and expectations, etc. She had redefined what love means to her a long time ago. To her, it’s validating other people’s emotions, making sure they are heard, reassuring they know they are valued, and by trying her hardest to create a comfortable environment for them to feel free being themselves. Whether that be by locking eye contact and thrust-dancing, or by telling her most bizarre (and prized) memories making it clear they could not out-weird her.

 

And really, it’s not even as much about the other person as it is about who Holtz is. Growing up, she didn’t have many friends because she was eccentric and an outsider. Which was partially self-inflicted after feeling the shame projected on her from her insecure peers, partially because she never wanted to make anyone feel as alone as she had felt. “Do you see what she’s wearing? Look at those holes!”, “Did she get those clown pants out of a dumpster?”, “Does she own conditioner? Do you see her hair? We should call her Frizzle.”

 

If that wasn’t enough, at home her mother was constantly, “Jillian, wash your hands and comb your hair.”, “Jillian, put this dress on. Don’t wear raggedy clothes.”, “Jillian, please put the barrette back in your hair.” But what they didn’t know is that she would purposely find the rattiest clothes she could so she could make her friend Suzie feel more comfortable about her parents not being able to afford clothes that weren’t worn out (plus, there was no arguing Holtz preferred comfy clown pants to an itchy lace dress).

 

Suzie was Holtz’s first crush, making her realize even further she was not like her classmates. She would do anything to make Suzie laugh, or even smile. Sometimes that included not turning down dares to eat weird food combinations like mustard on orange slices, or peanut butter on her pizza. Other times that included pushing her on the swings, telling her stories, and catching grasshoppers to show her and let her name at recess.

 

Seeing her every day made dealing with the bullies worth going to school. She would get so sad on the days she wouldn’t show up and just sit alone on the edge of the field pulling grass out, one blade at a time. Her absences got more and more frequent until Suzie stopped showing up to school at all. She remembered going home and crying in her dad’s arms saying how she didn’t like school anymore. That was when Holtzmann learned a few crucial life lessons: 1 being different isn’t bad, no matter how much others might tell you it is, 2 people like Suzie didn’t have the same chance at life as people like her did, and 3 in any interaction she had from this point forward, she was going to try her hardest to make the other person feel welcome in her space and with her time.

 

* * *

 

She also doesn’t really understand all the hype around saying “I love you.” If it’s felt, even in the slightest, there’s no harm in saying it. Plus, if it is felt and expressed in non-verbal ways, saying it outloud shouldn’t be much of a shocker. Well, unless the recipient is the type to freak out over it- she got the vibe Erin was that kind of person, especially cause she could hear the blood rushing to Erin’s face, matching her hair, as she hung up.

 

 _I should call Abby, she would know what this means._ Nope, can’t call Abby. She remembered how tired she was and there was not a chance she was about to call and wake her up. _Oh Patty’s good at this stuff too._ Even though Patty didn’t know Erin, she had heard enough stories to get a feel for her, and just had some ability to read people with scary accuracy. _Hm… with all the reading she does about history, she’s definitely come across some voo-doo or psychic shit. It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s some sort of wizard._

 

Four rings? No answer. That was unlikely for Patty, who always had her phone on. _SHIT HER DATE._ She hung up, not wanting to interrupt on Patty probably getting some. That’s fine. She’ll have some time to think about it before they talk about it tomorrow.

 

**Party Patty**

Hey baby, you okay?

 

**Holtzy <3**

I FORGOT YOU WERE ON YOUR DATE IM SORRY. Plz forgive me Patty cakes

 

**Holtzy <3**

i had a question but we can talk about it tomorrow

 

**Party Patty**

Lol good cause we about to have some fun ;)

 

Holtzmann had saved Patty’s name in her phone as Party Patty after her phone auto corrected ‘Patty’ to ‘Party’ three times in a row. Patty cakes was a nickname she had given her after they got breakfast together and Holtz told her she loved her as much as flapjacks and she should feel honored, which had caused Abby to choke on her orange juice, knowing the truth behind her friends statement.

 

She chuckled at the last text, hoping the best for Patty. She wasn’t even remotely tired, so she decided to tinker with some scraps of metal until she had a plan for them. It took less than three minutes of fondling the bits and pieces before she came up with the brilliant idea to start building a jungle gym, fully equipped with slides, for her babies. Working with her hands and doing mindless work (compared to what she made on the regular in the lab) gave her the perfect balance of thinking about her brief conversation with Erin while not overthinking it by redirecting her focus to the safety of her chinchillas.

 

* * *

 

The three friends met up for late brunch (should really just be called lunch, but Holtz insisted on calling it “brunch” to justify getting a stack of pancakes that she could drown in maple syrup).

 

“So Patty… how was your date??”

 

“Mmpf! Gotta fine slice of sweet vanilla cheesecake last night.” Abby rolled her eyes at that.

 

“Haha, I bet you did. Who’s this guy again?”

 

“Oh this is some tall smooth glass of almond milk, Colin. He’s a news reporter. We met at a city party a couple years back for journalists/historians/reporters kinda people… and just recently ran into him at a coffee shop.”

 

“So you had a good time then? Are you going to see him again?”

 

“Mmm, we’ll see. He’s a good time, but he probably cuts into his steak to check if it’s cooked… like a little bitch. Probably keep him around for when Patty needs her skinny white boy fix.”

 

Holtz raised her hand to give Patty a high five, grabbing it to kiss her hand. Patty just yanked her hand back giving Holtzy a look of, ‘Really? Stop that, child.’

 

“Yeah, sorry about interrupting last night. I hung up as soon as I remembered you were on a date.”

 

“Oh yeah!! What was your question baby??” Abby glanced between them realizing Holtzmann needed advice.

 

Holtzmann glanced between them, then looked down at the creamer she was fiddling with as she spoke, “Oh yeah. That. So Erin texted me last night.” She looked back at the other two as they were clearly waiting for her to continue. “She was at a party and told me she was drinking and high. So I told her if she got bored at all, she could call me at anytime. Mostly because that sounded like fun Erin.”

 

“Yes. High Erin is most definitely fun Erin,” Abby attested, remembering back to when they lived together in their undergrad years.

 

“A few minutes later she called me. We talked for a little while… but what I couldn’t figure out- I guess Phil was there- not with her. He just happened to be there- she told me he asked her if she was gay.” She looked at Abby for some sort of reassurance.

 

“Wait so she just out of the blue told you her ex- _boyfriend_ asked her if she’s gay? Damn.” Patty was trying to follow and figure it out as much as Holtzmann.

 

“Yeah, so then she told me she told him that she’s bisexual. But I don’t think she would have said any of that if she was sober.”

 

“Oh honey, you’re right. You see, the thing about Erin is that she grew up with impossibly critical parents and absorbed that- becoming very self-critical and hyper aware of how she is different from ‘normal,’” she said with air quotes, “and she’s been living her whole life trying to deny that she’s not normal- denying herself and just trying to kiss asses to find acceptance.”

 

“Sounds like a headache.” Holtzmann simply stated, reflecting back at her only interactions with the redhead.

 

“Sounds like she wants you.” Holtz shot her eyes at Patty in some sort of hopeful disbelief.

 

“What?” Her bright blue eyes were locked on Patty, who casually was picking at her hashbrowns. When she turned to her other friend, Abby just gave her a smile, her eyes saying on their own, “Well, duh.”

 

“Baby. Think about it. _She_ texted _you._ She was thinking about you. The first thing she brought up was her ex. Then proceeded to tell you how she’s queer. She wants you.”

 

Holtzmann smiled to herself as she remembered the other part of the first text she received. “Oh! She also made a comment about how there was a pretty blonde there and she thought of me. That’s a good sign right?”

 

“You’re kidding. Good god woman. For having a PhD you’re kind of stupid.”

 

“Patty, you realize I study machines. Not people, right?”

 

“I know, Holtzy. Trust me on this. She wants you. You need to call her. Like now.”

 

“Really Holtz, I think you would be good for her. She’s so anxious about life and herself. And you’re completely comfortable with yourself. Maybe we could get back the Erin I knew.”

 

“Wait, so what should I say?” She didn’t need more convincing. She was still just worried about Abby, no matter how intrigued she was by this uptight, tweed covered woman.

 

“Well, we do still need someone to look over the prototype. If she’s weird about talking about you two, which she probably will be, just ask her for her expertise. That’s where she holds her value anyway.”

 

“Okay. I’m still not sure if she knows we work together. It’s possible though, but I feel like if she did she would be avoiding me even more.”

 

“Well you know, if she’s going to help us out, she’s going to figure it out eventually. We share a workspace for pete’s sake.”

 

“Baby, just do it! Talk to her. Plus, you could charm the pants off of anyone you talk to. You have no reason to worry.” Holtzmann winked at her taller friend, flattered by her compliment.

 

“Okay. I’ll do it. I’ll talk to her.”

 

“Let’s get this straight- talk to her about the work before you charm her pants off. Okay?”

 

“Um, let’s not get this too _straight._ You do realize who you’re talking to?” Holtzmann grinned at her twelfth-hundred time using this joke.

 

“Okay, Patty out.” She stood up pretending to leave, but sat back down not able to keep herself from laughing at her gayest friend.

* * *

 

**Hotty Holtz**

You make it home from your party last night?

 

**Dr. Gilbert**

Haha, yes I did. Thanks

 

**Hotty Holtz**

Darn, I was going to offer you a ride home on my motorcycle

 

**Dr. Gilbert**

You would have a motorcycle. Raincheck?

 

**Hotty Holtz**

Of course, anytime. I mean that

 

**Hotty Holtz**

Also, what department do you work in?

 

**Dr. Gilbert**

I will take you up on that when I’m feeling rebellious and want to piss my parents off lol. I work in particle physics. Total nerd, I know.

 

**Hotty Holtz**

Well, total nerd is just what i was looking for. I’ve got a favor to ask you in exchange for my motorcycle chauffeur services

 

 

 


	10. Jolly Roger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz picks up Erin to look at her invention, as suggested by Dr. Gorin, but takes her to a favorite place first. She opens up about a question Erin asked her once before.

Sunday

 

**Dr. Gilbert** 9:17 am

Hey, I fell asleep shortly after you texted me back yesterday. You know, the whole recovering thing that happens when you’re not in your 20s anymore. What’s this favor? ;)

 

She was going to have to wait at least an hour or so before getting a response. Of course that hour was just feeding her insecurity with her attempt at flirting.  _ Was it too soon? Just because she likes women doesn’t mean she likes me.  _ But that feeling would pass when she received a response.

 

_ Okay, well maybe now that she verbalized that she’s bi she’s willing to be more flirty? Let’s hope so.  _ Yet, Erin stayed as ‘Dr. Gilbert’ in Holtzmann’s phone to remind Holtz that this relationship (in the meantime) was professional.

 

**Hotty Holtz** 10:35 am

It requires your expertise in particle physics… how bout i pick you up on my two-wheeler and we can talk about it?

 

Smooth. Erin obliged without hesitation, sending Holtz a smiley with her address and confirming a time.

 

\---

 

When Erin came down the stairs and saw the blonde standing on one leg next to her motorcycle, balancing with her other foot on the foot peg. She was dressed in tighter canvas pants than usual, showing off how small she was.

 

Erin stood there staring for a few seconds before Holtzmann noticed her and gave her a salute and a smile. There was just something about the nonchalant and intense way Holtz carried herself- and the way her casual carefree demeanor permeated anyone within her presence.

 

She waved back and approached the blonde, feeling insides get giddy remembering how much she enjoyed their dinner. She was thankful she had opted to wear jeans and a blouse instead of her work clothes, knowing that straddling a motorcycle would be on the agenda.

 

“Sooo… do you wanna get right to business or are you down to chill for a little while first?” She definitely wouldn’t be opposed to spending more than strictly professional time with Erin.

 

“Mmmmm, well you’re driving, so I’m going to make you decide.”  _ Adventurous, is she? _

 

Holtzmann’s grin was ear to ear. “Great! Hop on!” She basically threw the extra helmet she was holding at Erin while shoving her head back in the other one.

 

“I’ve never ridden a motorcycle before.” Erin confessed as she pushed herself up close to Holtz’s back and wrapped her arms snuggly around her waist, saying it in a way that explained why there was so much contact between them (not that Holtz minded, or cared for an explanation really).

 

Erin’s breath hitched every time Holtzmann turned a corner or accelerated or braked, or really  _ anything _ in which she could feel the other woman’s muscles flexing underneath her arms, reminding her that she is indeed alive beneath her touch. Holtz didn’t notice, of course, as she was focusing on keeping herself and her *date* safe.

 

When they stopped, Holtz planted each foot on the ground and turned her waist to offer Erin a hand to balance on as she swung a leg over. Erin returned the favor, offering Holtz a hand as she stood next to her.

 

She was met with a small hand in a fingerless leather glove (and beyond belief soft fingertips, _ dear god does she dip those things in butter or what) _ and a smile spread across a face that bowed at her in appreciation.

 

Holtzmann hung Erin’s helmet on one of the handlebars before she removed her head from hers and did the same.

 

They had pulled up to a short row of pretty run down looking shops. “Which one are we here for?” She didn’t want to sound judgmental of the blonde’s choice of places, trusting that what they were there for was a hidden hole-in-the-wall kind of situation that was great  _ beyond _ the assumed nostalgia attached to it.

 

“Right here,” she pointed with two fingers, “Jolly Roger. Best matcha I’ve had in my life. By far.”

 

“Hmm… is it pirate themed?”

 

Holtzmann opened the door for her, using her free hand to gesture  _ after you _ , “M’lady.”

 

“Nope, not pirate themed.” She observed as she took in the quaint surroundings of the small shop.

 

“Roger! My man! How you doin’ bud?” She grabbed his thumb like frat boys greet each other and pulled him in for a quick one armed hug.

 

He responded in fragmented English saying he was doing very well and appreciated the book store moving in next door because his business has been increasing.  _ (“Well if you want me to take a wall down in between, let me know. Just a couple small poofs. Down in no time.”) _ He also made known that he noticed she had a pretty lady with her, causing Erin to fidget and pretend to look at the menu.

 

Holtz looked over at her, holding her gaze until Erin made eye contact with her, just to acknowledge that she saw through her fake distractions.

 

After chatting about some other work things and a few stories about Spiral (the gay bar a few streets over) that Holtzmann was beyond interested in (you could have walked an alpaca into the room and she wouldn’t have noticed).

 

“The usual for Holtzmann?” He finally asked as their laughter died down.

 

“Yes sir. Thank you.” She confirmed with a nod.

 

“...the usual?”

 

“Soy matcha latte with a squirt of demerara. It tastes just like a Christmas cookie.”

 

“Uhhh… demerara? Should I know what that is?” She looked from Holtz to Roger to the menu behind him.

 

“We use only the most quality of ingredients in our drinks. We have plenty types of… uh, what’s the word… virgin? No… pure! That’s it. We have pure and raw sugar forms.”

 

“And demerara is one that has toffee undertones. YUM.” Holtzmann finished for him. “Even if you don’t usually like your drinks too sweet, you have to get some of something just to try it.”

 

“Sure. Umm. Wow, there’s so many options. What else have you had?” Holtzmann is absolutely no help as she lists 9 different drinks saying they are all spectacular (“My favorites gotta be the chai spice. Or the vanilla mint. Oh  _ definitely _ the cinnamon almond.”)

 

So she turned to Roger instead, “What’s your favorite? Or most popular?”

 

“I really like the lavender cappuccino with jaggery. It’s very nice.”

 

“What’s a jaggery? Is that another sugar?”

 

“Yes. It’s uh, earthy. But not dirty.”

 

“Don’t worry, Er, it doesn’t taste  _ earthy _ like kale. It’s a good herby earthy.”  _ How did she know I eat kale, is it that obvious? Ugh. _

 

“Sure, yeah, I’ll get that. That sounds good. Oh, soy for me too. Thank you, Roger. Oh and these are together.” She clarified as she pulled her card out of her wallet.

 

“No, no. These are on the house.” Erin thought about arguing, but didn’t want to reject his offer and make him feel bad. So instead, she inquired where his tip jar was. “We don’t have one. I don’t expect the customer to pay more than the listed price for my services.” Erin graciously thanked him and followed Holtzmann back to a cozy booth in the corner.

 

“OH! SCONES! I can’t believe I forgot about the scones!”

 

“No worries. Let me get some.” Erin said as she placed her fingers on Holtzmann’s shoulder, preventing her from standing up again.

 

Erin joked with Roger about being thankful he didn’t have too many choices there because she was so indecisive.  _ (“Oh, but not like that! They all look delicious! I’m just bad at making decisions!”) _

 

She returned to the table with a blueberry lemon, a raspberry almond, and a strawberry cream cheese scone. She took cash up to pay, insisting that Roger take it this time because he deserved it. They were his customers and he served them well.

 

“I figured we would try some of each?”

 

“Perfect. Thanks Erin.” She had a some green foam on her lips from the latte. “Here. Try this. It’s magical.” She reached her mug out to Erin with both hands.

 

“You weren’t kidding. It really does taste like Christmas!” She slurped down some foam of the matcha. She tried her own, the same way, before extending hers out to Holtzmann.

 

“I shit you not Erin. I told you they’re incredible and I shit you not.” She sipped from the lavender drink.  _ “Wow. _ That tastes  _ so _ much better than flowers.”

 

“You  _ eat _ flowers? Like on the regular?”

 

“Well, not as a source of nutrients. Mostly just in passing, or for dares, or to impress pretty girls.” She looked up at a light fixture behind Erin before she continued. “Well… I’m not sure  _ impress _ is the right word.”

 

She chuckled before spitting an entire mouthful of latte back in her mug. “Fuck, that’s hot. I always forget the foam is cooler than the liquid. You think I’d have learned by now. Jesus. Sorry you had to see that.”

 

Erin just laughed, “It happens to the best of us.” She reached a napkin across the table and wiped some tea from Holtzmann’s chin and some splatters on the table. “Maybe we should dip the scones in the drinks. Then it won’t be quite as hot.”

 

“YES. 100% yes.” So they did. Holtz regurgitated some bullshit phrases she’s heard on Food Network about how the flavors pair well and blah blah blah.

 

“Oh! Try this!” Erin dunked a piece of the blueberry lemon scone in her drink before reaching across the table to put it in front of Holtzmann’s mouth.

 

“Damn. That’s good shit right there.” Her mouth was still full of deliciousness. “Do you remember force feeding me that chocolate covered strawberry?”

 

Erin felt the blood rushing up her chest and into her cheeks, but played it off, “Haha, yes I do. That was quite the picks of fancy restaurants, huh?”

 

“Oh it was  _ quite  _ the night.”

 

“Although, not gonna lie, I would probably choose a smaller place like this any day. So much less pressure to be fancy-schmancy, right?”

 

“You mean how I just spat up my drink all over myself?”

 

“Haha. Yes. Exactly.” They finished the remains of their scones enjoying each other’s silence, looking at each other every now and then and smiling at each other.

 

When their plates were clear, Erin cleared her throat with some of her drink, being careful to not drink too much to cut their time early. “Um. So, Holtz? I have uh, a few questions.”

 

“Shoot.”

 

“Oh, no it’s nothing bad. If you don’t want to talk about it please don’t feel like you have to. I’m just curious about some things.”

 

“Erin, let the lavender calm you. I meant ‘shoot’ like ‘fire away’, ‘hit me’, ‘lay it down.’ Whatcha got?”

 

“Oh. Yeah. So my first question is about ‘Holtzmann.’ You said it was a story best left for another time… is it too soon for that?”

 

She took in a deep breath, released in a deep sigh. “No. It’s not too early. I just wanted you present and… sober… when we talked about it.” Her use of the word ‘when’ instead of ‘if’ gave Erin more reassurance than she thought she needed at the time.

 

“Really, if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine. I’m just curious.”

 

Holtz slid her arm across the table and placed her hand gently on top of Erin’s, her gloves long abandoned next to her mug. “I was adopted when I was really little. I hardly remember the foster care system, but I do know that I had an older brother, James. He was only a few years older than me but he made certain I knew I was not alone.”

 

Erin had a feeling this was going to take a turn for the worse, but patiently urged her on. Nodding and holding her intense yet soft eye contact.

 

“The couple that adopted us was…. dynamic. Our dad, Josh, was brilliant and a total gentleman. He used to build tiny villages, like the kind little Precious Moments angels would live in. You know what I’m talking about?”

 

Erin nodded, remembering how her mom used to collect them and display them on the shelves and mantle.

 

“He was a big teddy bear- he would build blanket forts with James and I. Then turn into a T Rex and destroy the whole thing, tickling us until we were on the verge of tears.” Her eyes looked now as if they were filling up with tears. But not the happy kind she was talking about.

 

“My brother grew up just like him. A sweetheart. A doofy sense of humor. Always made sure I was protected and safe. Harassed me just because he could. Constantly interrupting to make puns out of what I was saying.”

 

She sniffed, wiping her nose on the back of her knuckle, chuckling at how her brother was a giant dork and also how she was a big mushball of feels right now.

 

“And your mom?” She asked tentatively, almost daring not to but knowing there was more to the story.

 

“If you could call her that.” She grunted before continuing, “That was harsh. Rose was something. It’s almost as if her parents knew how she would turn out when they named her. She fit the constructs of what society wanted. She was pretty, put together, feminine. But also sharp and dangerous. She would always bicker with Pops about how he wasn’t stacking the cups right or how his messy hair made him look ‘homely’ or how he didn’t buy the right kind of trash bags. There was always  _ something. _ ”

 

Erin nodded, not sure what to say.

 

“She used to comb my hair too hard and force me to wear pink lacy dresses and uncomfortable shiny black shoes. She would put blush on my cheeks everyday before sending me off to school. And god, she meant well. She really did. But she was just… she just tried  _ so hard _ to fit in and be  _ normal. _ And that’s never who I was. So it always rubbed me the wrong way that she was living a life for other people instead of herself.

 

But anyway, back to the question. When I was in high school, I finally came out to them all at dinner one night. Rose kept making comments about how I was  _ confused _ and it would all make sense when I met  _ the right boy _ and a bunch of bullshit like that. I managed to get through the rest of dinner, but barely touched my food.

 

James came into my room that night and told me she was being a bitch and that he was proud of me. My dad came in shortly after and held me in his arms, telling me he couldn’t wait to meet my girlfriend one day and that Rose would come around to it. She just ‘needed time to process it.’

 

I was still heartbroken at the thought of being rejected by someone who was supposed to love me no matter what and kept babbling about, ‘She never even wanted us,’ and ‘Our maid was more of a mom that she would ever be,’ and just saying really hurtful things.

 

Well the two of them went out late that night to get me a potted sunflower. When we found them, they had written a note in the card: ‘Jillan, A sunflower for you, my dear. Bright and pretty, yet substantial and rooted. I love you, Pops.’ Underneath that: ‘Joltz, little sis. I know without a doubt you’re going to be the  _ spark _ of some girl’s--’ and then blank.

 

That’s when they were hit. Killed on impact. Both of them. They were both J Holtzmann and they were the only real family I’ve ever had. So from then on, I was Holtzmann. I wanted to be the  _ man _ both of them were, not  _ Jillian _ which always seemed too girly for me.

 

Plus, when I got into my field, I wanted to be taken seriously. And unfortunately, sexism doesn’t allow for Jillian to do as well as Holtzmann. Kind of how JK Rowling is JK Rowling.”

 

“Fuck, Holtz. I had no idea. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you had to go through that, especially alone with Rose after that.”

 

“Well, not really. I moved in with our maid after that. I didn’t want to face Rose and Rebecca is the most remarkable person I have ever known.”

 

“Are you still close with her? Rebecca, I mean.”

 

“Oh, yeah. We’re actually colleagues. She was my mentor all throughout college, and honestly even before then. She started teaching me about physics right after I moved in with her. She was good friends with my dad growing up, actually they might have been cousins, I don’t know. But she’s brilliant and always supported me and pushed me to be better. While never questioning who I was. Bless her.”

 

“That’s sweet. I’m definitely glad you had her. She sounds magnificent.”

 

“She’s actually the reason I need your help with something.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Okay, well she recommended you for something. Please hear me out on this, okay?”

 

“Okay…. What?” Erin’s eyes narrowed on Holtz’s.

 

Holtzmann was jumping back and forth within her brain trying to decide to be frank about the machine, about the paranormal, about Abby. She opted out. “I have a machine I want you to take a look at. It’s highly sensitive and likely unstable. If you don’t want to put yourself at risk, I understand, but whether or not you take a look at it, I’m still going to use it. So I would  _ really really  _ appreciate your expertise.” She checked her watch, as not to blow her cover. “Shit. It’s already almost 4. We should head to the lab now and I’ll show you what I’ve got cookin.”

 

They stood up and carried their dirty dishes to Roger. “Good day, good day. Glad you enjoyed.” He said to them as he bowed to each of them, thanking them for coming in. Holtzmann gave him a salute in response to his bow and Erin thanked him again  _ (“Easily the best tea and scones I’ve had. Ever. You should be proud.”) _

 

“Erin, promise me that you’ll say no if you’re not comfortable, okay?” Holtzmann waited until she promised, not releasing the helmet she was offering her until she got a confirmation.

 

“Okay, yes. I promise.”

 

\---

 

They parked at Higgins Institute of Science and walked towards the entrance.

 

“Wait, so why Jolly Roger?”

 

“Ha, oh yeah that. So Roger moved here from Japan at the beginning of the summer. He tried coming out to his parents and they basically disowned him.”

 

“Oh shit. That’s awful.”

 

“Yeah, but he’s doing okay now. He’s a total sweetheart.”

 

“Oh yeah, I can see that. For sure…. By why pirates?”

 

“OH. When he decided to move across the world, he vowed to himself that he wouldn’t let his parents reaction bring him down. He made a promise to himself that he would be recklessly happy. And boy is he.”

 

“Aw, that’s actually really cute. So he doesn’t  _ know _ about the pirates?”

 

“Uhhh, I think he saw the phrase  _ Jolly Roger _ somewhere and just ran with it. I haven’t had the courage to tell him yet.”

 

They turned a couple corners and went to the depths of the hallways.

 

“Here we are.” There was no turning back from here. The nameplates were perfectly visible before Holtz stepped in front of them to open the door for Erin.  **Dr. Abigal Yates** and  **Dr. Jillian Holtzmann** . However, what Erin would say after going through the door would be far from expected.

 

 

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were some feels here for sure. I've got lots of ideas rolling around for this fic, just a matter of sitting my ass down to write. Thanks for being patient, loves.


	11. The Favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin has a meltdown when her memories of Abby resurface. She takes a look at the proton gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, usually I have some ideas and then the story kind of makes sense from there. But this time I sat down with one intention and it took a bit of a turn. Probably having to do with some personal nonsense, but none the less is making my fic more human, right?
> 
> I had more ideas for what happens next, but it was getting long as is, so it will have to wait for the next chapter.

When they walked into the spacious, yet seemingly crammed lab, everything hit Erin all at once. Her entire friendship with Abby- how impossibly close and supportive she was. How Abby was without a doubt the best friend she could have ever asked for, especially in a time when she had  _ nobody _ else, not even her family.

 

She imagined Abby and Holtz getting lost in their work, forgetting to speak, meandering around their own projects. She imagined Holtzmann being handy and experimental and Abby breaking the silence by cracking a joke or getting excited with their progress.

 

She remembered the tattoo she saw on the wrist in a picture Holtzmann had showed her of her chinchilla babies. She thought back to the day she saw Abby post a picture of it a few months after she cut ties. Abby had told her her idea in the midst of their friendship during one of those nights where they stayed awake til 4 simply saying every thought that came to mind. No judgements. Just understanding and a genuine willingness to learn more about the other.

 

A small white triangle was subtle but enough to carry the meaning she wanted in a tattoo.  _ “I don’t know if I’d ever get one. If I got one I would want it to mean something, ya know? Like maybe something simple that has lots of symbolism… like a triangle… because they are the strongest structural shape, so they’d stand for strength. And it also is like a little play button to remind you to live in the moment and not dwell in the past or in the future. Mindfulness? or whatever… but I really don’t think I would just randomly go get one. I feel like something would have to push me there. So everytime I see it, I would be reminded to be quiet and reflect. Know what I mean? Is that super hokey?” _

 

Erin reassured her that it was absolutely not hokey and it was actually pretty heartwarming and well-thought out. But now Erin was overcome with the same guilt and shame and longing that she did when she initially saw that Abby got the tattoo, because of her.

 

And now she was standing in the middle of Abby’s new home. Obviously, she didn’t live there- but if home is where the heart is, Abby’s heart was in her work. And with Holtz as she imagined they had a very close and loyal friendship. That’s just who Abby is with her friends, and from the encounters she’s had with Holtzmann, she would attest the same for her.

 

Suddenly she was solemn. She dearly missed Abby, but knew it could never be the same. Part of her envied her old friend too because of how she stuck with what their plans were from the get-go because she had the freedom to not care what people thought and to live her own life without the pressures of conformity.

 

Abby was good for her, really, and honestly probably still would be. She imagined herself working here, integrating herself into the duo and piecing back together the brokenness of the fall of her greatest friendship.

 

She took a couple of deep breathes, but not loud enough to give Holtz a clue at her sadness. Not that she couldn’t already tell by her body language and the history she likely knew.

 

Erin had forgotten the task at hand: Holtzmann’s favor. Instead, she moseyed around the room and broke the silence. “How’s Abby doing?”

 

Holtzmann closed some of the distance between them, leaning against a counter. She didn’t quite dare to offer physical comfort yet, not wanting to cross boundaries.  _ She is here for work. This is work right now. Maybe later. But I swear to god if she cries, it’s over.  _  She collected herself before responding. “She’s doing really well. We’ve done a lot of work trying to catch paranormal readings. She’s brilliant beyond brilliant and she really loves this work.”

 

Erin absorbed the words as she heard them. But then her eyes narrowed, realizing Holtz was almost expecting this conversation to come up. Not at all taken aback that she asked about a mutual friend they never knew together. “Wait. You know who I am.”

 

It wasn’t as much of a question as it was a statement. An epiphany that settled as she tensed.

 

“I do.” She kept it short, still trying to read the other woman.

 

“How long have you known?” She stood up straighter, more rigid. “Is this some sort of set up?” Her voice escalated with her emotions. “Some sort of sick revenge? What the fuck!” She frantically started looking around the room. “Is this a hidden camera?”

 

She picked up a disfigured gadget made a face into it, mocking it, before she raised it above her head as if she was going to slam it to bits.

 

“DON’T!” Her voice was loud and clear. “That has the power to implode our atoms from the inside out. I suggest you put that down,  _ gently.” _ She flinched as Erin saw the fear and roughly set it down.

 

“Oh my god. I’m such an idiot.” She mumbled to herself, realizing her insecurities had gripped her in the midst of her vulnerability. She slouched over before, “I’m sorry,” barely escaped between her palms and her face.

 

“No no no, Erin,” she tried soothing the redhead’s heat as she grabbed her hands into her own. Her palms were face up between them, stroking the back of Erin’s knuckles with her thumbs (which were surprisingly soft instead of callused like expected).

 

“I don’t know where it came from. Abby would never--” She said between gasps.

 

Holtz wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close. Erin could feel the hot tears rolling down her cheeks.

 

It wasn’t just the misinterpretation. It was all the feelings Erin had suppressed for  _ years.  _ Abandoning Abby. Abandoning the only person that ever believed her as if getting rid of her would get rid of all of her insecurities and issues surrounding her experience with the paranormal.

 

Because if Abby wasn’t around to validate her belief as true, nobody would. And then she could accept that maybe, just  _ maybe, _ it wasn’t real and she could get on with her life.

 

It was the guilt she had stowed away years ago resurfacing, with all the mold and bacteria that had grown on it since. It was as if her fake happiness was a faulty loan that she ended up owing way more in interest than the loan itself.

 

“Erin honey, it’s okay. Abby doesn’t hate you. She was hurt but she understands. She loves you and wants the best for you. She knows you hate opening up because when you’re vulnerable, people tell you you’re wrong. She gets it. Just breathe with me okay.”

 

Holtz could feel her soften in her arms and against her chest. When their breathing finally synced up, she heard, “Thank you,” ever so slightly being spilled onto her shoulder.

 

“Okay, now look at me.” She held her shoulders at arm’s length, ducking under the other woman’s eyes to force her to look into her own. “Let’s get a couple things straight. Well not too straight. Nevermind. Bad time for that joke. First, Abby would never take vengeance on you. You are a long lost sister, not an enemy. She may be bitter, but she would never intentionally hurt you. Okay?”

 

Erin just stared at her.

 

“Okay? I’m gonna need you to cooperate here.”

 

A nod.

 

“Second, you have to swear to me, and I mean it, that you will never again grab something in here without knowing what it is and be so close to shattering it on the ground. If you need a physical release of some sort, push me or pinch me or anything. But not the machines. They are highly unstable.”

 

She managed to get a chuckle out of that. And wide eyes at the phrase “physical release.” But she promised, also flattered that Holtz implied there would be another time she was welcome into the lab.

 

“And the instability is where I come in…?”

 

Holtzmann repeated that in her head, playing back what she had just said to understand where she was coming from.

 

“Oh, not- well, yeah. Me too. But I was talking about the unstable machines. That’s the favor? The particle physics stuff.”

 

“Yes. And really, nobody is really that stable Erin. Some of us are just better at hiding it.”

 

She smiled, realizing that most were much better at processing their emotions before reacting than her, but Holtzmann was reassuring her exactly how she needed it at the time.

 

“If you’d rather do it another time, that’s okay. It’s not urgent.”

 

“No, it’s okay. It’s like a wave and then I’m fine. It might come back later, but I’ll deal with it then. What do you have?”

 

“Proton streams.”

 

She squinted her eyes, waiting for more explanation. But Holtz knew if she let that phrase stew around a little bit it would catch on something.

 

“...you’re trying to capture… something paranormal?”

 

“Yes. Eventually, anyways. I have streams as lassos, so to say, but not a containment unit yet.” She jumped up and pulled the blue prints out, but knowing they had notes everywhere she pulled out the gizmo. “All aluminum, baby. Well the bones of it. The organs are all sorts of-”

 

“You built this!! Holy shit! Wow. Does it work??”

 

“Um, it should. But that’s where you come in. Like I said, it’s highly unstable and I wasn’t allowed to test it before we had third party look at it- well fourth party, technically.”

 

“Do you and Abby have another colleague?” She couldn’t place why she would feel at all jealous by this possibility. She wasn’t even a part of their team.“Also, do you have lights in here? How do you work with it so dark in here?”

 

“No? Well, yes. Kind of. To the colleague.”

 

Erin looked up from the wires and raised an eyebrow. “And the lights?”

 

She tapped the side of her yellow glasses, “Night vision.” She found a lamp and flipped the switch. “Do you remember Rebecca?”

 

“Much better, thank you. Sounds familiar. Oh, wait. She’s the woman you lived with, right?”

 

“Yes. She was my mentor growing up. Life, physics, everything. We meet with her on a weekly basis to--”

 

“Rebecca… not Gorin?” She had a pit in her stomach telling her yes, but she still was in disbelief.

 

“Yes. Gorin. I always used to tease her because all the letters spell groin. Haha.”

 

“Dr. Rebecca Gorin. Was your mentor? And life coach? And… maid? You’re fucking with me.”

 

The smirk said all on it’s own,  _ Not yet, toots.  _ She tried to hide her toothy grin with, “I told you she was magnificent. I wouldn’t lie to you Erin.”

 

“She’s a legend! How is this real???”

 

“I sure did luck out, huh.”

 

They continued to look over the machine. Erin asked questions, took notes, and pointed very closely to different pieces never quite touching it. Holtz was impressed by how long she could stare at equations without blinking, before nodding that everything was just as it should be.

 

“I think it will work. Got a subject?”

 

“Hm, nope. I’m afraid to ask the deities for one. I’m not going to be the one responsible for an apocalypse.”

 

“Haha, yeah. We wouldn’t want that.”

 

“It’d be a fucking shit show.”

 

“No doubt. Well, Holtzmann. I am more than happy to look over any new renovations you decide to make, or new masterpieces or whatever you need. As long as Abby is okay with me being here.”

 

“She is.”

 

“Does she still like soup?”

 

“Like? She has a fondness for soup that not even her love for science could overtake. I learned that when I questioned how much she ate it and I thought she was going to murder me. I decided right then and there that I would never even think of asking if she would choose me over soup.”

 

“It would be soup, no doubt. Especially wonton.”

 

“Especially wonton. Can’t really say I blame her though.”

 

“Debatable. Food?” She said, hopeful that her request to extend their time together would be accepted.

 

“Please.” She patted her tummy and escorted Erin to the door.

 

 

 


	12. Extending Boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzbert second 'date.' We find out that Holtzmann also knows Kevin and a little more about how she got where she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lot's of dialogue here. Holtzbert is so much fun to write you guys. Also, the Emu War of 1932 is 100% real.

“Where to my dear?” Her voice was muffled because mid sentence she shoved her head inside a helmet.

 

“Umm… I don’t care.”

 

“Oh dear god, you aren’t one of those, are you?”

 

“One of what?”

 

“You  _ don’t care,” _ she said with air quotes, “but you’re going to deny everything I suggest.”

 

“Well… no.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“No!”

 

“Erin, I chose earlier, so it’s your turn.”

 

“Well, you’re driving so you have to choose.”

 

“Oh really?” She nearly tackled the other woman and swung them around onto Ecto 2 so Erin was in front and Holtz was straddling her from behind. “Two can play that game. Take me somewhere.”

 

Butterflies erupted in her stomach from the playfulness, but she covered it with, “Ugh, fiiiine.” She placed her hands on the handlebars and froze. “Uhhh, how do you start it?”

 

“You’ve never driven a two-wheeler. Well of course not. Women who wear tweed don’t ride bikes.”

 

“Excuse me. I will have you know I won a triathlon. It may or may not have been for kids under 12 when I competed, but still! I ride bikes!”

 

“My B. Well, scooch a little forward so I can start it and then I’ll teach you.”

 

Holtzmann thrusted forward enough to get Erin’s skin to heat up and her mind and heart to race. She intentionally did not move out of the way. They both knew it.

 

When the engine revved up, Holtz brought her arms and hands around and on Erin’s. Her grip was gentle but secure. Her hands were small so her fingers barely reached how far Erin’s went around.

 

Erin could feel Holtz’s front pressed on her back and could barely focus on anything she was saying into her ear about, “...to shift gears and-- oh this is important don’t forget--” and _sweet jesus how can I feel her breath on me when I’m completely covered in this helmet??_

 

“So where you taking me?”

 

“Um, there’s a sushi place?”

 

“Yes, absolutely.”

 

Erin was thankful Holtzmann was actually driving because she could not take her attention off of the burning contact between them.

 

Holtz knew Erin wasn’t paying attention so used this arrangement to her advantage to lean forward when they sped up and to squeeze her legs slightly when they went around curves, just imagining (hoping) the havoc she was wreaking in the other woman.

 

When they pulled up to a sushi restaurant, it wasn’t the one Erin had in mind. But she had no room to say anything because technically she was the one in charge of this.

 

They sat down at a little booth when their waiter came up and greeted them, very clearly reading from a script in front of him.

 

“Hello. My name is Kevin. I will be serving you today. Can I get you something to drink?” He pronounced every word staccato, like Siri does.

 

“Kev! Buddy, hey I didn’t know you still worked here!”

 

“I do work here. Uhh, who are you?”

 

“Holtzmann! Dude I stayed with your family when I lived in Australia.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Wait, here.” She pulled some ties and pins out of her hair so it fell around her shoulders, a bit of a mess from being up all day, but tousled enough to cause Erin to catch her breath.

 

“Ah, yes I know you now!” She gave him a quick high five and then tried to fist bump him. He didn’t respond with a fist though, so she just nudged him on the bicep with it.

 

When he had realized he had nothing else to say, he started reading again, “Hello. My name is Kevin. I will be serving you today. Can I get you something to drink?”

 

They thought about interrupting so he didn’t have to go through that again, but figured it would probably confuse him even more.

 

“I’ll just have a water, no straw.”

 

“Oh we only put ice in our water. No straw. Or hay. Or grass.”

 

“Okay, just a water is fine. Thank you.”

 

“I’ll have a water too. Grass is okay in mine.” Holtz gave him a wink, to which Kevin asked if she had something in her eye.

 

He walked away with their “first order.”

 

“No straw?”

 

“They kill the world. You know Kevin???”

 

“...yes, I think we’ve established that.  _ You  _ know Kevin?”

 

“Haha, I met him at the party I was at on Friday.”

 

“Oh yes, the party of secrets revealed.”

 

“What?”

 

“Do you remember calling me?”

 

“Vaguely.” Her eyes squinted. Then her cheeks flushed as she remembered.

 

Holtz grinned when she noticed, but didn’t want to push it.

 

“How fire do you think the fire tuna is?” She asked to change the subject, pointing at the menu.

 

“Well, depends on how sensitive you are.”

 

“Oh I am sensitive.” She said more seductively than she probably should have, but not looking up from her menu.

 

Kevin came back to take their “second orders” and read another script verbatim to ask what they wanted to eat.

 

“I will have the number 6.”

 

“Ohhhh, salmon, tuna, and avocado. Good choice. And I will have the fire tuna… oh number 4. Thanks Kev.”

 

Really, the only reason the restaurant manager agreed to hire Kevin after his interview was because their menu was already numbered and they figured he could just circle the numbers on each order form. Plus, you can’t substitute stuff in sushi rolls so they figured he couldn’t screw up too bad.

 

“So I’m sorry about earlier.” Erin blurted it out as she fidgeted.

 

“You don’t have to apologize.”

 

“I feel bad. I just get so paranoid about things. Obviously, you know that if Abby has ever talked about me. I have these irrational fears about being ridiculed and humiliated.”

 

“Abby and I haven’t talked in too much detail. Just the gist of it and bits and pieces here and there. Can I ask a question?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Are these fears specific, or more general about social pressures?”

 

“I wouldn’t say they’re specific. I guess my subconscious just likes to jump to worse case scenario.” Holtz held eye contact, but didn’t say anything, urging her to continue. “Uhm, for example: whenever I’m in a large crowd, or lecturing, I imagine myself vomiting. Not knowing it’s coming and just projectile vomiting on everyone. Isn’t that awful?”

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound fun. My thoughts like that are much different.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Are you going to share with the class?”

 

“Ohh, professor Erin. I like. Well usually those kinds of thoughts for me were gaging how  _ other _ people would react. So during my undergrad, there was the Wells Hall Preacher. He would stand outside for hours at a time and just damn people to hell for masturbating or being gay or not repenting and existing essentially. Every time I walked by him I just wanted to grab the first girl I saw and make out with her right in front of him. Just to provoke him. And you know, to kiss a pretty girl.”

 

Before Erin could even try to stumble through a response to that, Kevin showed up carrying their food. They took it from him without him even extending his arms, trying to avoid disaster.

 

And good thing they did because right after they were out of his hands, they heard a loud crash from the kitchen.

 

Kevin immediately dropped the (now empty) tray to cover his eyes, “That’s loud.”

 

They exchanged glances but not before Kevin asked them, “Do you want any sighs or ahhs?” He clearly had forgotten his sheet.

 

“Excuse me??” Erin, being feisty when it came to men, couldn’t hold back.

 

“Soy sauce…” Holtz clarified, thankfully before Erin made a scene. “Please, thanks buddy.”

 

“So, did you ever do it?”

 

“Do what?” She looked up with her eyes watering. “Holy hell, fire tuna is straight fire. But not too straight.” She said with a wink. Erin realized that Holtz probably  _ wayyyy  _ overused this joke, but gave it a chuckle anyway.

 

“Kiss a pretty girl in front of the Wells Preacher?”

 

“Oh. Haha. No, I didn’t. As much as I imagined it and wanted to I have not.”

 

“Well, why not?”

 

“I’ve spent a lot of time ranting about consent and how women are objectified and yadda yadda that even though I’m seductively charming,” she said as she sarcastically flipped her hair, not realizing that she was paralyzing her audience, “I’m actually really awkward when it comes to making a move.”

 

“Oh my gosh, Holtz. Are you crying?” She noticed the blonde’s red hot cheeks and her eyes glossy.

 

“This is actual fire,” pointing to her sushi roll with her chopsticks.

 

Both orders came out on the same oversized plate, as per usual. But there was something especially intimate about sharing a plate.

 

“Do you like ginger?” She asked, grabbing more ginger to put on her next piece.

 

“Um.. I don’t know. I’ve never tried it.”

 

“Whaaat? You gotta!”

 

“Alright, alright. You like it, I take it?”

 

“Oh I  _ love _ ginger.” Her words were as captivating as her eye contact, the redhead clearly perceiving the underlying message.

 

“Yeah! It’s good! I’ve been missing out on something good for so long because I thought I didn’t like it.” She looked across the table back into the bright blue eyes of her date and then back down to her food. “Sounds about right.”

 

“Oh, we’ve all been there.” Although, really she hadn’t. Holtzmann never really went through a denial phase with her sexuality. She knew she liked girls from the get go and never tried to date boys to fit in.

 

“So you lived in Australia?”

 

“Sure did. I was only supposed to go for a semester during my masters, but ended up extending that for the entire program.”

 

“And you stayed with Kevin the whole time?”

 

“Nah, just the semester I was initially planning on spending there. Then I got an apartment. Well, not  _ technically  _ an apartment.”

 

Erin scrunched her eyebrows together as she drank her water.

 

“I uh, worked as an aerospace engineer. Well, when I was supposed to be getting ready to leave I was talking to the people I worked for and the woman who I worked under at the airport, her cousin owned a port and told me if I fixed up an old houseboat, I could live in it until I left. Plus, if I lived there then I was basically on call all the time. So I did.”

 

“Damn, that’s impressive. So you lived there for what, two years?”

 

“Year and a half in Melbourne. With all of my on-the-field experience, they let me finish early.”

 

“I’m sure you got your fill of marsupials and things that want to kill you while you were there?”

 

“Marsupials, yes. Volunteered at a koala rescue in my spare time, just for shits and gigs. But the things trying to kill me was just the beginning of working with unpredictable equipment like I do now.”

 

“Well, you build that. So I think the unpredictability is user error.” She said with a smirk.

 

“Ooh, shots fired. You throwing shade, Gilbert?”

 

“Maybe. Did you see any emus?”

 

“Of course. I rented a car and drove 9 hours to Sydney just to go to the museum about the Emu War.”

 

“...Emu War?”

 

“Australia had a war against emus in 1932. And  _ lost. _ ”

 

“No way.”

 

“Check it out.” Holtzmann said as she shoved her phone into the other woman’s hands to show her a video.

 

“What? That’s nuts. And I’m sure you got to see more in Sydney than just that.”

 

“Well, I saw less than expected considering how much time I spent in that damn museum.”

 

“You played yourself.”

 

“That I did. But I also got to add to the famous art tunnel.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yep. Sydney was sick of graffiti all over town so they made a tunnel  _ specifically  _ for graffiti. It’s beautiful, really.”

 

“What was your addition?”

 

“Hazard sign with a heart in the middle. Classic.”

 

“Nice.”

 

Holtzmann looked as if she was reviewing something in her head before chuckling to herself and not looking up at Erin.

 

“What…?”

 

“Oh nothing.” The grin on her face said otherwise.

 

“What??”

 

“I’m just hormonal, it’s fine.”

 

“You’re hormonal?” She asked to clarify, because she really struggled to hear the mumbles from across the table.

 

“I was just thinking-- the green tea, sushi, and ginger, it’s something really.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Green tea, aphrodisiac. Sushi, aphrodisiac. Gingers…” She gestured at Erin, not towards the scraps of food left. “Well, in my days of googling random shit, I’ve done some research on redheads.”

 

“And?” She asked, still not sure how this tied in.

 

“Well, there’s an annual redhead festival in the Netherlands every year; redheads either have a wicked tolerance or sensitivity to pain; and according to the article I read, they are chronically horny.”

 

“Mmmm. I can neither confirm nor deny as I’ve been a redhead my whole life and have no control group to compare to. However I’ve heard better at sex, not necessarily always down for it.”

 

Her lack of reluctancy was a nice surprise to Holtzmann, who had somewhat expected her to blush and change the topic.

 

Deciding to go along with it, and possibly regret her next statement, she offered, “Well, I’ve had sex with non red heads… so if you ever want to do, uh,  _ science _ , and run a study… I suppose I would be willing.”

 

“Check, please.” Erin raised her hand towards Kevin, trying desperately to get his attention.

 

_ Fuck, was that too far?? _

 

Erin paid for their meal and was still impossible for Holtz to read.

 

They got up to leave and as they were walking out Erin reached for Holtzmann’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

 

Hotlzmann immediately retreated her hand, pulling back from Erin’s grip. Erin was overcome with a wave of insecurity, realizing that her demand for the check so suddenly may have changed the entire mood and now Holtz was being weird.

 

Until she felt the small fingers readjust in her own and squeeze her hand. “My thumb has to go on top. Probably some power complex, but it’s also just more comfortable.”

 

“Oh, haha.” And she smiled. Big. Realizing that this was okay, that this wasn’t rejection, it was comfort. When her consciousness processed that epiphany, it came hand in hand with the revelation that Holtz made her feel comfortable. That Holtz made her feel at home.

  
  
  



	13. Don't Push It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regardless of the countless hours spent together already this day, they continue to hang out. May or may not contain first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I come off as a hopeless romantic at all in this chapter, it's because I'm a hopeless romantic. Find me on tumblr!!

Erin wanted so desperately to keep spending time with Holtzmann, but didn’t want to come off as needy. So she remained passive and let Holtzmann be the decision-maker.

 

They climbed onto Ecto 2, with Erin embracing Holtz close and snuggly…  _ “for safety.” _ Out of habit, Holtz pulled her motorcycle up to the alley beside her apartment and parked it.

 

By the time they hopped off, nowhere near Erin’s abode, she spoke up, “Well.... I suppose I should be heading home.”  _ But I really don’t want to, but I would not dare invite myself up. _

 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I’m not used to being responsible for other people!”

 

“Riiiight, I bet you’re just in such a habit of bringing girls home after dinner.” She said it with a smirk, but apparently her flirting skills were subpar because of what Holtzmann said next.

 

“I can take you home. Do you want me to take you home?”

 

“Uh… um….” She glanced around not really knowing how to answer that, not having been given an alternative.

 

Holtz cleared her throat, “well, I mean, you’re more than welcome to come hang out with me and the chins.”

 

Before she let her finish, she spoke over her, “I’d like that.”

 

Her words were immediately followed by the nagging voice in her mind that was counting the sum of hours they had  _ already _ spent together that day and how that offer was out of politeness rather than genuity.

 

But the thought was vanquished by the joy radiating from Holtz’s smile to her accepting the offer.

 

Holtzmann led her up the narrow stairwell with one of Erin’s hands in her own.

 

The blonde stopped at the doorway and turned to Erin with the most serious of faces.

 

“Erin, I should probably warn you before we go in there…”

 

“Let me guess, this is where you tell me you’re a murderer, you’re going to hack me to bits and slowly cook and eat me to get rid of the body.”

 

“No.” She stated simply, without blinking. To be followed by, “Plus, that’s impractical. I could think of _ at least  _ seven better uses of a cadaver.”

 

The expression that was returned was somewhere between confusion and enthrallment.

 

“Hmmm… highly unstable equipment sprawled on your counters?”

 

“Eh, not as much as you would expect. This is a little more delicate than that.”

 

“Oh..” Her cheeks flooded with blood and possibly embarrassment at her joking over a sensitive manner.

 

“Um, my chinchillas can get a little…. Possessive.”

 

“...oh?”

 

“And they might not be very hospitable towards you. Not at first.”

 

_ At first like…. Twenty minutes?? Or like the first few visits??  _ “Oh, that’s okay. I can handle that.”

 

“But they also have pretty good judgment of character… and are pretty in tune with me, I suppose. So I predict they will like you more than others.”

 

“Well, let’s find out!”  _ Just take me inside already. _

 

\---

 

“Oh my god! Holtz!” Erin gasped as she walked into the kitchen, an entire tiny village set up atop the cabinets. They had lights that lit up the ceiling with a warm, homey glow. “It’s beautiful.”

 

She was in awe.

 

“Oh, that? Thanks, Erin.” The soft, humble look on her face was enough to remind Erin that Holtz had told her that her dad used to build tiny villages (“the size for Precious Moments dolls”).

 

“...were these his?”

 

The smile Holtz couldn’t hold back showed Erin that remembering details about her was definitely not expected.

 

“Uh, yeah. A few of them. I built the rest after he died. As an exercise to meditate and accept what happened. Gorin helped me design them and spent a lot of time with me when I figured out how to circuit them.”

 

Her words were clipped and her eyes were glassy. Erin pulled her in for a quick, but intimate hug.

 

“So! You wanna meet the babes??” The tone was changed, but not dismissed.

 

Holtz bounded towards the cage and opened it. She picked each one up carefully with its own greeting in a different accent, ranging from a Russian “little chin chin (leehtle chehn chehn)” to an Australian “aye mate” to an unidentifiable “why you so dense???” and “small angry gremlin.”

 

She placed each next to the prior on her forearm across her waist. “Sit on the sofa.” It was a suggestion and a request, to which Erin complied.

 

With her free hand, she grabbed some treats and strategically placed them around where Erin sat and then sat next to her, leaving a buffer zone between them.

 

The chinchillas crawled hesitantly towards and around Erin, sniffing her very carefully. Eventually the angry little gremlin hopped up on Erin’s lap.

 

Holtz felt like Tarzan in the scene where he takes Jane to the tree tops to see the parrots-- relishing in how accepted and comfortable and how full of wonderment Jane felt in his homeland.

 

“What are they eating?” Erin had to ask as she inspected the treat the little guy was gnawing on on her lap.

 

“Good question. No, I think they’re some sort of yogurt covered seed or nut or fruit.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“Probs not real yogurt though considering they don’t have to be refrigerated.” And then she jumped up to look at the package. “Fuck, should these be refrigerated??” After frantically scanning the back, she took a breath, “Oh, nope. We’re good. So are these.” She said as she tossed one in the air and caught it flawlessly in her mouth.

 

Erin scooted the little guy off her lap and challenged, “Try me,” and opened her mouth.

 

_ I’d love to, toots. _

 

Holtz tossed one, underhand of course, towards Erin. It bounced off her lips and fell to the floor.

 

She bent over to pick it up, saying, “It’s still good,” when she smacked her eyebrow on the corner of the table in front of her. “Ah, shit.”

 

She immediately leaned back and put her fingers up to her grimaced face.

 

Before she could even process what was happening, Holtzmann was kneeling between her own knees and looking closely at the damage.

 

“Here, let me see.” She had a hand on each side of Erin’s head, and cautiously caressed the swelling eyebrow with her thumb. And  _ oh dear god how I want to kiss her. She’s  _ **_beautiful._ **

 

As if Erin had read her mind while remembering Holtz’s confession on her fear to make a move because of her being overly respectful, Erin looked deeply into the flashy blue eyes and leaned forward.

 

_ Oh dear heavens, her lips are so soft. _

 

Somehow the tension snapped and was multiplied in the moment they made contact. It was soft and slow at first, like time had stopped. But it was never uncertain.

 

Holtz moved her hands down slightly, one to the nape of Erin’s neck and the other around her waist, touching the same almost ticklish spot from their first unofficial date.

 

Erin read it as an invitation to bring them closer, so she deepened the kiss, opening her lips and taking in a deep breath through her nose. She put her fingers on Holtz’s torso, just to feel her and in no way pushing her away.

 

That’s when Holtzmann moved her hands down to where Erin’s hips met her butt and pulled her closer to the edge of the couch, spreading her legs as she did.

 

Without breaking the contact between their open mouths, Holtz scooped up each chinchilla, one at a time, and placed them gently but urgently on the floor.

 

The barrier for Holtzmann’s hesitation in making a move disappeared after the initial contact and knowing the consent was clear.

 

As she set the last babe on the rug, she started to stand, making Erin reach her neck up to keep reaching her.

 

It didn’t take Erin long to get the memo.

 

She twisted her lower half around and laid on her back on the couch, pulling Holtzmann down on top of her, pressing her deeper into the cushions.

 

Holtz readjusted herself on top of Erin so one of her thighs was pressed between Erin’s. Subtly, but not subtle enough for Erin to not notice and open her hips up a little giving her better access in response.

 

Erin’s hands made their way to Holtz’s hips. Meanwhile, Holtz’s fingers embedded themselves into Erin’s red hair, her elbows on each side of her shoulders.

 

Before getting too far and pushing it, Holtz picked up her head and looked down at Erin.

 

She reassured the woman-beneath-her’s confused look with a quick smooch.

 

“Wanna watch a movie?”

 

Happy with where things had gone, but also not wanting to push into uncharted territory yet, she obliged. “Sure, whatcha got in mind?”

 

“Mmm, I dunno. Comedy? Drama? Documentary?” She knew from her experience of dealing with indecisive people that giving them options-- but not too many-- was the best way to help them make a choice.

 

“Hmm, how about a comedy?”

 

“Sure. But we’re going to need a sub-category. 90s?”

 

“Okay…”

 

“How about…. Mouse Hunt, Mrs. Doubtfire, Moonstruck, or Without a Paddle?”

 

“Without a Paddle is definitely not 90s.”

 

“You know it??”

 

“Of course! My guess is 2001 or 2002.”

 

“Nahhh, definitely 2003.”

 

Holtz whipped out her phone and IMDBed it. “2004. Okay we were both wrong.”

 

“Meh, whatever. What’s Moonstruck?”

 

“Haha. Uhm, how do I explain it?” She mumbled to herself. “How do you feel about Nicolas Cage?”

 

“Eh, he’s okay. I’m indifferent I suppose.”

 

“Okay, we’re watching it. Because I was the same way about him before I watched it, and it gave me such a deeper appreciation for him.”

 

“What’s it about?”

 

“I can’t tell you or you won’t watch it. It sounds  _ super  _ hokey. It’s a drama that’s way over dramaticized that it’s hilarious.”

 

“Alright, I’m down.”

 

“Great! Here find it. I’m going to get some water.” As she basically shoved the remote into Erin’s hands and danced around the furballs to the kitchen.

 

She chugged an entire glass before refilling it and another to bring back (5 feet, let’s be real) to the living room.

 

“Thirsty much?” The innocent comment was immediately weighted by the look Holtz shot back.

 

“Can’t help it.” She said with a devious grin.

 

\---

 

Holtz tried so hard to pay attention to the movie. But with a pretty woman snuggled up on her, all up in her space, she could not.

 

She tried to reason with herself whether or not this was Erin’s first encounter with another woman and if Erin was okay.

 

She stared at her for much too long at a time, trying to read her mind and admiring her beauty at the same time before forcing herself to look back at the screen, but instantly dozing right back into the depths of her consuming thoughts.

 

_ God she’s pretty. I bet she wouldn’t be all over me right now if there was anyone else here. She cares so much what other people think. Poor Abby. But why? She’s brilliant, beautiful, and quick. She has so much power and she doesn’t even know it. _

 

Power in her field? Well if knowledge is power then absolutely yes. Power in her career? If she let herself look past her insecurities a bit more, easily. Done. Power over Holtz, now realizing how fast, hard, and out of control she was falling for her, trying not to flail around and ruin whatever this is? Yes. 100%.

  
  


 


	14. Goodnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtz is awoken by an intruder and is ready to fight. Until she realizes her memories fail her when she's tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I know it's been months from the last update and this one isn't even that long. I'll try harder to be more frequent cause y'all have probably given up on me at this point. OOPS. I still love you. <3

Holtz woke up, sprawled side-ways on the couch, immediately noticing that her chin was cold. Not just cold. Wet. She had drooled all over herself.

She heard the clanking of some dishes and was disoriented of where she was. She had lived alone since college and didn’t have pets that could possibly climb onto counters. She hadn’t owned a cat since long before she was friends with Abby.

Holtz leaped off the couch and picked up the remote (the closest thing on the coffee table). “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?” She demanded as she prepped to launch the remote into the kitchen at the intruder. Erin dropped the bowl she was scrubbing and flinched around to face the confrontation. “Erin? Why are you h-- oh yeah, we were hanging out, huh?”

“Good God Holtz.” Her hand was over her racing heart. “Don’t scare me like that!”

“Sorry. Wait, why are you washing my dishes?”

“Oh. I don’t know. They needed to be washed and I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Erin. Stop. Those have been there for a while. They’re probably nasty and crusty.”

“Mmm, yeah a bit.”

Holtz tossed the remote down on the couch and waltzed her way over to the redhead. She wrapped her arms around her from behind, resting the side of her head between the taller woman’s shoulder blades.

“But thank you. That’s super nice of you to even consider.”

Erin had a tendency to place her value in tasks completed- whether that be household chores, writing articles or equations, or earning awards. It also probably wasn’t a healthy way to measure personal worth because in a field riddled with confusion, unanswerable questions, and many hours invested into hypothetical but impractical experiments, the output of actual completion was minimal.

“It’s not a problem. I am getting tired though.” She shook off her hands after failing to find a hand towel within reach and spun around so she was now facing Holtzmann, still wrapped in her arms. “Would you mind taking me home?”

“Yeah, sure! Of course!” As quick as she was to agree, she wasn’t as quick to release her from her small but strong arms. Until the realization that the chinchillas were out before she fell asleep struck her. “Erin! Where are the chins?”

She practically dove onto the floor to check under the couch.

“Oh, I put them back and gave them some pellets.”

Holtz’s head spun around like an owl’s, slowly and intense. “You… handled them?”

“Uh… should I not have?” Erin’s worry washed over her face.

“No, no it’s not that. It’s just that sometimes they really don’t like being handled and bite. Especially if they haven’t had dinner.”

“So you thought getting them out before they’d eaten would be a good time to meet them? When they’re hangry and might try to eat me?” She chuckled at the blonde’s logic.

“Well. No. You make it sound like I’m plotting against you when you say it like that. I figured risking getting a nibble was better than for sure getting pooped on.”

“You’re speaking from experience. They’ve shat on other guests of yours?”

“Hah. Just don’t bring it up when you meet Patty.”

When. There it is again.

“Noted. Plus, I didn’t directly pick them up. I lured them into my hands with food, consensually.”

“Smart. I like that.” She said with a grin. “Now let’s get you home.” That last part was somberful.

“Oh I could definitely use some sleep. I have to teach in the morning.”

“Fuck nuggets. Okay, we have a dilemma.” Holtz was peering out her window to see it raining buckets. “I have a motorcycle. And it’s raining… a lot.”

“Um,” She checked her watch. “The last metro leaves in 12 minutes.”

“Absolutely not. I’ve seen the type of people that take the last metro and I’m not letting you do that alone.”

“I’ll just get a cab.” She said kind of to herself as she slid her feet into her shoes.

“Erin.” Her name was enough to distract herself from her shoes and look up at the other woman. “You don’t have to leave.”

She hesitated, waiting for the blonde to continue. Her shaggy hair was a total mop of a mess on top of her head.

“Your place is on the way to Columbia, yes?”

“...yeah, how do you know where I live?” Her tiredness was blinding her judgment.

“I picked you up earlier, darling.”

“Ah yes.” She nodded, remembering that this had turned into an all day event.

“You can just stay here tonight. You can shower here if you want and I’ll take you to your apartment tomorrow so you can change. Then I’ll drop you off at work. No worries.”

“Are you sure? That sounds like a huge inconvenience to you.”

“I’m sure. Higgins barely knows our department exists so I don’t really have a supervisor besides Abby, but even then we’re co-workers and I think she’ll understand.”

“That would be nice. Thank you Holtz.”

She returned a smile with the t shirt and only pair of leggings she owned back at the other woman from a pile probably mentally labeled as “not dirty enough to wash, can be worn again.” She disappeared to the bathroom and came back out a few minutes later wearing sweatpants and a sports bra.

Erin was thankful for the dimly lit apartment so Holtz couldn’t see the look on her face. Instead, she excused herself to the bathroom to change, wash her face, and steal mouthwash as she was without a toothbrush.

When she returned, she noticed just how tired Hotlzmann must have been. She was groggy and half asleep, Erin observed as she watched her face, sliding under the covers next to her.

Holtz wasn’t tired enough to not notice this woman though. She inched closer and flopped her arm around the other woman’s waist.

“Alright, how much time am I going to need in the morning?” She muttered to herself timing out how long it would take to shower, drive to her place, change and do her make up there, and drive to work from there. She added in time for breakfast in case they stopped somewhere for a bagel and coffee or something first.

“You know, we could just shower together to save time… and water. I know you’re all about saving the world.” Her words were hardly coherent as they were muffled by Erin’s back, but the gist was there.

“Ha, yeah we’ll see.”

“That’s not a no. Also, just to clarify I would let you wear some of my clothes but I think Columbia’s wardrobe standards are higher than what I have to offer. Especially when you go dumpster diving for metal and you come out with a cool new pair of pants too.”

“Are those the pants I’m wearing?”

“LOL no.”

“Did you really just say L.O.L.?”

“LOL yes.”

“Goodnight Holtzmann.” Erin set her phone down after making sure her alarm was properly set like 6 times.

“Goodnight Erin.” She propped herself up enough to give the taller woman a quick peck on the cheek and settle down behind her once again.

Erin smiled and snuggled into her. She thought to herself how Holtz was probably 60% the size of men she has slept next to. If you took all the water out of their bodies, that would be how much she weighs!

And yet, she was more comfortable and felt more secure in her arms than she had in any man’s arms. She was in a safe space. A warm space. There was something euphoric about the sound of the rain on the window and the warmth between them, just enjoying the the contact while realizing it was not in anyway alluding to expected sex.

Just cuddles.

She reached her hand down to touch Holtzmann’s thigh to assure herself that she was indeed real.

Her hand reached bare skin and she immediately stopped, asking herself if she was already dreaming.

“Shit. Sorry. Habit. I get really hot when I sleep. I can put them back on.”

“No, no. It’s okay. I was just surprised.” Erin turned around, gave Holtz a smooch goodnight, and returned to her former position as the little spoon.


	15. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Abby reunite for the first time since the abandonment in less than ideal circumstances. Holtzmann has to deal with staying out of the bickering that has resurfaced buried emotions, but fails as she learns she is more involved than she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't given up on this story. I know there's usually a lot of time between updates but I've come to the conclusion that that's because I like this story and I don't want to fuck it up. But it's not going to write itself, so I'm going to try to be less critical of myself.
> 
> Thank you to those of you who also have not given up on this story. <3

“So it’s going well, it sounds like?”

 

“Abby. She’s incredible… she’s amazing…”

 

“She’s beauty and she’s grace,” was sang back. Humor will always be Abby’s greatest coping mechanism. The admiration and closeness she saw Holtz had with Erin was not uncharted territory. As happy as she was for whatever was blossoming, her concern easily matched her familiarity. It was like she was dreaming of visiting her abandoned childhood home, knowing there was something lurking in the shadows.

 

“But really. I can’t remember the last time I was this impressed with someone that I also have chemistry with. Do you know how rare it is to have chemistry with me?”

 

“I had chemistry with  _ Erin _ .”

 

Holtz withdrew her fingers from the wires they were entangled in. “Um… can we talk about that? Did I misinterpret your entire relationship with her?”

 

“No, I literally had chemistry with Erin. We were lab partners. Jesus, it was a joke.”

 

The breathe released from the blonde expressed her simultaneous relief and confusion.

 

“I could not date someone like Erin. I don’t have the energy to maintain someone else’s entire well-being and emotional status. Don’t get me wrong, I do still care about her. I want the best for her, but I know the best for her isn’t me. Plus, the only way to destress that woman is either a whole lot of endorphins or medication.”

 

“You know what releases endorphins…? I could help with that.” She waggled her eyebrows at Abby’s discomfort.

 

“Okay, stop right there. Exercise. Or dark chocolate. Or- lots of things help release endorphins.”

 

“Both of those sound good to me. Dark chocolate comes in a sauce and like you say, I’m a little energizer bunny.”

 

“Again, stop right there. I don’t want that image in my head and you just put it there unwelcomed.”

 

“But really Abs, it has been a long time since you knew Erin. You don’t think she’s changed  _ at all _ since college?”

 

“God, I’d hope so. I pity the middle-aged, brilliant woman who hates who she is. That is if she really  _ knows  _ who she is...” she trailed off.

 

“You’re still talking about the paranormal, right?”

 

“Yes and no.” She sighed heavily before claiming the space on a stool next to Holtz’s counter. “The thing about Mid-Michigan is that it is nothing like Manhattan. And as much as Erin’s parents had the best intentions, they were not good for her development. They didn’t support her, let alone believe her about what she was experiencing. And it wasn’t even that they didn’t believe her, they invalidated and criticized so much of who she was when she was growing up.”

 

“Do you think that’s why she’s so anxious and stressed out all the time?”

 

“Oh, absolutely. Her parents had these high standards for her and expected nothing less than excellent behavior. As far as I know, they never once told her they were proud of her or really recognized all the effort she put into school-- which honestly, I think her hyperfocus on academia has always been a coping mechanism. It was the only thing she did that gave her numbers of her worth. Of course, everyone else knew she was brilliant, but not getting that acceptance from your parents is a lot. And Erin never acknowledged that that wasn’t normal. She internalized her parents’ behavior towards herself, which led to her being even more sensitive and critical of herself. She constantly felt disappointed she wasn’t more than she was and always pushed herself to do more. I swear she thought the only way she would be worthy was through her successes. She didn’t understand that being a human is inherent with having rights and respect.”

 

“That’s understandable. I mean, that’s totally shitty, but it makes sense to why she did what she did.”

 

“Oh I’m not saying she didn’t have her reasons. I’m just saying that a shitty background doesn’t justify being a shitty person. And that’s what she was to me. A shitty friend who abandoned her best friend and life goals in order to attempt fitting in just a little bit more.”

 

“Damn, Abby. Again, that’s true. But I do wish you would be willing to give her another chance.”

 

“Haha my therapist helped me unpack all that years ago. I don’t dwell on this anymore. I’m not angry anymore, but I’m sad about it. I also don’t think it’s my place to try and fix what was. If Erin wants to put in an effort, I’ll see what happens. But to be frank, I just don’t have the energy for that again.”

 

“I know, and I don’t blame you given your past. I, on the other hand, definitely still want to figure her out, though.”

 

“I know, Holtz. Just be careful. Some games can’t be won. I’ll always be here for you, I just want you to be fully aware of what you’re getting yourself into.”

 

“And I love you for that. You’re my greatest friend. And with all due respect, I don’t think this is a game I want to win. The game itself is the appeal, not the accomplishment. Erin to me is like one of those geometric wooden puzzles. A really complex one. After you solve it, it’s not as much fun. The fun is inherent in trying to solve it, noticing patterns in it, and admiring each piece. You know?”

 

“I do. And like I’ve said before and will probably say again, be cautious. Those puzzles can be a total frustrating pain in the ass. Kind of like whatever you’re working on now? What even…” She leaned over to look into the hollow metal shell Holtz’s hands were still inside.

 

Holtz started to explain her plan of accelerating electrons inside a pack somehow using static electricity and stored kinetic energy, assuring that  _ “I’ve gotten better with this kind of stuff since CERN, trust me.” _

 

“Well I’ve gotta say, you never cease to amaze me with the network of ideas inside that floppy curly head of yours.”

 

Holtz glanced up to smile at her friend, but instead found her gaze drawn to the tense energy that appeared in their doorway.

 

“Just couldn’t stay away, huh? I get that.” The wink she threw at Erin was immediately discarded as the redhead was preparing to launch her attacks at her former friend.

 

“ **Fired.** You got me fired, Abigal. How dare you!”

 

“First of all,” the woman stood from her seat to establish her intruded territory, “that is quite the claim. And second, you lost the privilege to call me that so don’t  _ you  _ dare to put my full name back in that bitter mouth of yours.” Her pointer finger was stiff with emphasis, aimed directly at Erin’s core.

 

Holtzmann wanted nothing more but to retreat into a small space with blankets to be alone, pretending this wasn’t happening. Instead, she pretended she was invisible, watching the scene unfold as if she were watching a very engaging, personal movie.

 

The bundle of nerves started pacing in the doorway, muttering thoughts aloud trying to make sense of the situation. “Of course this would happen. You’re jealous that I’m going to steal Holtz so you attack my career, the one I built without you.”

 

“Holtzmann is not my child. Or my property. And definitely not yours. And back up a hot second, alright? You think I sabotaged you?? What are your implications?”

 

“Don’t  _ what-are-your-implications  _ me.” Abby thought they were beyond eyerolls and dirty looks, and yet here they were. “I know you republished our book knowing my tenure review was coming up. I was supposed to have my final review meeting this week. Fillmore called it early, probably because I was just published. Again. But no, he called it early to show me the first thing that pops up when you google my name. That goddamn book. And apparently ‘This department is not for fantasy writers.’ I am now unemployed. Thanks to you.”

 

“One, I did not republish our book. It has not been available online since you initially forced me to take it down right before I had enough for a new mini-fridge. Two, why would I intentionally sabotage you? You know me better than that, and from what I can tell, you’re doing a perfectly fine job at that yourself. Superb, even. Three, you owe me an apology for that accusation. You clearly don’t know me and you can’t just barge in here like that throwing around blame for your shitty life. Four, I’m sorry you got fired. That sucks. But that is for you to deal with. Please leave my lab. Your attitude is working against all the sage we burnt in here.”

 

“Really, you’re going to count at me? And Abby, I know you’re one to stretch the truth, but to straight up lie to my face like that is disheartening. I guess I _don’t_ know you anymore. If you’re so certain you didn’t release it, prove it. Because I sure as hell didn’t and you’re the only other living person with access to that.”

 

“As you wish, Cruella.” Abby strided over to her desk to retrieve her laptop, ready to be rid of this woman.

 

“What, now you’re going to float me off into a lake on a blow up mattress? You’re not Lindsay Lohan and this isn’t a fucking joke.”

 

Abby made a face mocking her, which would have gone unnoticed by anyone had Holtz not been watching her like a hawk.

 

Having grown up mostly alone, Holtz wanted dearly to mediate between these two women who meant so much to her, but she grounded herself reminding herself that this was not her battle to fight.

 

“See? You can get your panties out of a twist-- wait. What the hell?? Erin, I swear to Valentina Tereshkova I did not do this.” Abby’s entire aura switched at the blink of an eye from defensive and borderline condescending to sorrow and regret.

 

“Oh next you’re going to claim that one of your little ‘ghost friends’ did this, not you. Grow up Abby.”

 

“Erin. I don’t know how this happened and I can’t prove to you I didn’t, but I hope you know I’m being genuine when I say I did not do this.”

 

“Okay. Let’s be logical here. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t a materialized paranormal entity. It  _ apparently _ wasn’t you. The only other options are a hacker-- but you and I both know how many people didn’t read that book-- or Holtz.” Her words were clipped, harsh, and impatient.

 

“My bets are on a hacker, Miss Gilbert. Oh, pardon me,” she acted as if she caught herself from jumping ahead, “To respect the scientific method, Holtz would you assure Erin that you didn’t sabotage her so we can agree it was an internet troll.”

 

She cleared her throat and avoided eye contact while muttering, “So, you see, the thing about trolls is that they are generally thought to be Scandinavian,” the full attention she held of her audience was founded in confusion and curiosity, “but what many people don’t know about Scandinavia is that it originated and is characterized by North Germanic heritage.”

 

“Why does she do this?” Erin whispered to Abby. Holtz didn’t even consider the fact that her rambling might even slightly draw them into a team, but that apparently was a thing.

 

“Holtzmann. Get to--  _ Oh. _ ” Saying her full name out loud (and being familiar with how Holtz deals with confrontation), she realized Holtz was the troll.

 

“What do you mean ‘oh’??”

 

She stood from her desk, still avoiding eye contact and carefully paced into the perimeter of their circle as if she were sneaking into the conversation.

 

Her face was pink after she withdrew her hand from rubbing it. “I may have  _ accidentally _ -”

 

“Oh. My. God.” She froze for only a second before her body flooded with rage, which was about to be taken out on an object within reach.

 

“NO!” Abby and Holtz shouted in sync.

 

The time later in which Holtzmann was in front of Erin, prying the contraption from her fingers was microscopic. “Do you remember what you promised me only a few days ago? I am not trying to die and I am certainly not trying to destroy your career.”

 

After placing the device back to its initial place, her arms softly pulled the other woman in and Holtz could feel the stress in the taller woman start to fade. But the dissipation was abruptly replaced with a hard shell of fear and negativity once she glanced up at Abby who forced her to remember the rest of the world existed.

 

Her lengthy legs strided her towards the door in her nonsensical shoes, which halted beneath her when she heard the pleading from behind, “Erin, wait. Join us. I can’t speak for Abby, but your expertise is what we need.”

 

“Yeah, maybe Holtz can design something to knock that attitude out of you. Just a couple small poofs. But in all seriousness, if you were interested in joining us, we would love to have you. Higgins actually values the science of the paranormal and I know you do too.”

 

She scoffed and turned back to the exit.

 

“Erin dear, please consider. The offer stands in its own, comfortable and practical shoes,” her attempt at lightening the mood by gesturing toward the disgruntled woman’s shoes was not appreciated in the slightest.

 

“Don’t ‘dear’ me. I can’t join you. I can’t do  _ this _ ,” she gestured between them, animated enough to appear as mockery, “I have spent so much time and effort building a professional reputation for myself…”

 

“... and working here, or being seen with me, would damage that. I get it.” She trailed off feeling as she did many years ago on the night of the accident. The guilt was building as Abby piped in.

 

Abby could handle the insults to her work, she expected that. But the jabs at her endearing friend crossed a line. “Yeah, Erin? How’s that working out for you? How’s your reputation going? You can’t tell me being surrounded by sexist coworkers invalidating your work is fulfilling, let alone dating one. I see through your bullshit. I know you.”

 

“You don’t know me, Abby. It’s been years. I had reasons for what I did. I did what I had to do to get a step up in this field. I have potential and I wasn’t going to throw it away on some pseudoscience!”

 

“Erin,” she sighed a heavy sigh, releasing most of her pent up negativity and realizing feeding this fire and engaging was not going to make anyone feel better, “as much as I would love to hear what you can come up with, you don’t have to explain yourself to me… to either of us. I think it’s best if you just leave. You have done enough and you are no longer welcome here. If you don’t voluntarily I will call security.” She said it convincing enough not to let on that they didn’t have security to call. Even if they did, Abby knows they would not be favorites of the hypothetical Health and Safety Department considering how many rules they already bend.

 

Erin left the room in a huff with a resolution she was far from hoping for.

 

Abby was at Holtz’s side the moment Erin disappeared from sight. Maybe she was projecting, but she knew the capacity for emotional damage her former partner inherently carried. She knew she would inevitably have to witness what she went through from the outside, possibly ripping away at her friend’s spirit. Also knowing Holtz’s tendency to be all or nothing when it came to how she interacted with people. The middle ground between being profoundly loyal and relentlessly generous and apathy was minimal- and could be defined simply by an interest of observing.

 

“For what it’s worth, I think this is good for her.” Her palm caressed the back of Holtz’s shoulders. She dearly hoped her words were consoling as they were intended. “Even though she was frantic, she’s trying to sort it out. And there was definitely an undertone of relief. Maybe this will rattle her perspective enough for her to get a grip. She has to stop denying that that book was a part of her life and this field is a part of her.”

 

“Abby, thank you. You’re a wizard.” Her eyes swelled as she turned to wrap her arms around Abby’s torso, resting her head on Abby’s shoulder.

 

“And who knows, maybe she’ll come around and join us. But right now, we’ve done what we can. She has all the cards.” Her hopeful speculation softened Holtz just enough to earn a chuckle at her reference.


End file.
